I was almost speechless watching Puff Daddy Puffy P. Diddy Diddy on Martha Steward Show. There’s something about rappers and Hip-Hop Producers making it big that gives me a feeling of joy and pain. Joy because Diddy came up from nothing and he’s on a real daytime talk show which millions of soccer moms are watching. I can’t really express why I feel pain. Maybe it’s because Martha is rapping.

Yes, Martha can rap. See what a lil jail time can do for ya.

11:00: The show starts off with M Diddy and Diddy watering flowers. M Diddy wearing a name belt with her name in it spits 8 bars with Diddy ab-libbing in the background. [Take that, take that, take that]

"It’s Ms. Martha from Jersey City / I’ll bake you a cake and make your crib look pretty [Um hmm] / I gets mad respect like my man Big Diddy [that’s right] / I got the haters running out of breath like when he ran the city [keep going] / They thought they could stop me but they must be silly [silly] / I got my ankle bracelet off now I’m free like Willey [Yea] / It’s the K-Mart Queen so I know you feel me / they gave me love on the inside that’s why they call me M Diddy [M Diddy Baby]."

11:01: To the tune of Rappers Delight, M Diddy is escorted onto the set by two bodyguards. [Question: Why do some white people clap to music double-time?] Originally, I thought they were to protect her from Diddy. You remember the Steve Stout Champaign Incident but they were there to protect "the ice and the bling" which was valued at $8 million dollars.

11:04: Diddy enters the stage to All About The Benjamins. M Diddy welcomes him and thanks him for her wardrobe which was designed by Sean John.

11:15: While the bodyguards are drinking milk and eating Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwichs, Diddy is about to teach M Diddy to rhyme. On the blackboard, he goes through some hip vocabulary teaching M Diddy the words CHEDDAR, SHORTY, FLOSSING, BENJAMINS and BALLING. Diddy then explains the lyrics to All About The Benjamins line by line. Diddy goes into detail on the line "on the low from the Jake in the Taurus" and erases the blackboard to keep the Hip-Hop Police clueless to our lingo.

11:19: Diddy teaches M Diddy how to move. "Move your shoulders." The Minstrel Show begins…

11:22: The show is not about teaching M Diddy how to rap. It’s about teaching Diddy how to wrap. Wrap dumplings. BORING. [FAST FOWARD TIVO] Diddy has chopstick skills.

11:40: M Diddy now teachs Diddy how to make wrapping paper, using a combing technique. Get it. Sean COMBS. Nevermind. Diddy leaves but leaves the audience with ‘Daddy’s Girl’ shirts. [I wonder if he sent a box of these to The Katrina Survivors.]

That was it. Nothing more (thank God), nothing less.