Once upon a time there was a child rapper named Lil Bow Wow.
Using his cuteness and BET’s “106 & Park” television show, Lil Bow Wow sold millions of records. Every 9 year-old girl wanted to have his baby however the boys his age did not want to play with Lil Bow Wow. They felt he was not “real.”
Lil Bow Wow built himself a gated community inside of his home in Atlanta to keep his chain from getting snatched. This made Bow Wow feel safe and he would never have to worry about getting jumped or having to buy back his chain like his other little rapping peers [ex: Prodigy, Ja-Rule].
As he approached his 18th birthday, Bow Wow’s record label called with some very disturbing news…
“Lil Bow Wow, your sales are plummeting further than expected. The 9 year old girls who once wanted to have your baby want to have babies by hardcore rappers. We held a focus group and it seems that no one is into you anymore. The bottom lines is, You’re not ‘real’ enough.”
Lil Bow Wow was terrified. He was Harlem shaking in his boots. He remembered how other child rappers like Chris Kelly and Chris Smith of Kriss Kross faded from the limelight. He remembered how Kriss Kross tried to be ‘realer’ on their last album, Young, Rich and Dangerous. It focused on money and two-somes with older women, but it backfired and Kriss Kross was never heard from again.
Concerned that he would have to move back to the rough streets of The C.O., Bow Wow wondered what could make him more ‘real’?
All of the sudden, his Fairy Publicist two-wayed him and told him to try a few things to boost his career.
Date someone in the entertainment business!
This sounded good to the young pup. While making himself more ‘real’, he could lose his virginity at the same time. Lil Bow Wow reached out to Ciara, another rising young artist on the come up. But Ciara blew up so large that people started to refer to Bow Wow as Mr. Ciara. It did get him on the cover of VIBE, but no one cared about Lil Bow Wow being on the cover of a failing magazine. When Lil Bow Wow and Ciara would go out in public, guys would kick it to Ciara like he wasn’t even there. He didn’t like this.
Lil Bow Wow two-wayed his fairy publicist and asked what else he could do.
Take off your shirt!
As a child, Lil Bow Wow couldn’t take off his shirt. He was too little. But now that he was older, he could follow in the footsteps of LL Cool J and Nelly. Everyday Bow Wow would read books on bodybuilding and do 100 push ups and 100 sit-ups every hour, every day for three months straight. Sometimes he would do his push ups on his knuckles to make himself extra ‘real.’
After two months Lil Bow Wow had the body of a little black Purdue chicken with perky nipples and corn rows. Fed up and disappointed Bow Wow stopped two-waying his Fairy Publicist. He called up The Fairy Marketing Department and asked what else he could do to appeal more ‘real.’
The Fairy Marketing Department had one last idea. They warned him that he might not be built for it and it could backfire.
Like the lil toy soldier, Lil Bow Wow stuck out his bird-like chest and said “Tell me! I’ll do anything.”
And with that, the Fairy Marketing Department told him…
Start beef with a high profile rapper.
Lil Bow Wow thought about this. He hadn’t had a conflict since first grade which was over some Lego blocks and he didn’t win that time. This wouldn’t be easy. Lil Bow Wow called his mother. Together, over some Henrock for mom and milk and cookies for Bow Wow, the two sat and made a list of rappers to start beef with.
- 50 Cent? Nope. He’ll beat me up. Next.
- Nas? Nope. Jay-Z made that mistake. Next.
- Foxy Brown? She’s not even trying to hear me. Next.
- Beanie Sigel? He’s free! [Bow Wow tucks his chain.] Next.
- T.I.? He writes my rhymes. Next.
- Teairra Marie? “She’s not a rapper. And she’ll kick my ass.”
Mama’s Lil Meal Ticket was heart broken. She wasn’t going back to C.O. and she knew that she was Bow Wow’s last hope. She threw back another shot of Hen-rock and started to think very hard. Suddenly, every light in the house went dim.
“Bow!” his mother exclaimed. “They didn’t say he had to be a good rapper!” She told him who she thought was the perfect rapper to go at, and then told Bow Wow how much she loved him.
“I love you Bow Wow. I picked you a nice safe rapper so won’t have to walk around with the ATLPD like 50 Cent. You’re my meal ticket out o The C.O. and I don’t want to see you kilt like Tupac and Biggie. Plus, Jermaine Dupri owns your publishing and you don’t have enough street cred to pull off a Free Lil Bow Wow campaign. Make mama proud. Oh yea, my debt card is on E. You plan on going on tour next week lil man?”
Lil Bow Wow called up his Fairy Marketing Department and told them the great news. The Fairy Marketing Department, who hadn’t marketed a real Hip-Hop act in so long, was excited too. Lil Bow Wow had come up with the perfect rapper he could handle. This would make him a ‘real’ rapper!
The Fairy Marketing Department called Interscope to reach out to Elliott Wilson. He and Jimmy Iovine ran XXL, the best Hip-Hop magazine by default, but he wasn’t available to speak. Interscope put The Fairy Marketing Department through to Elliott Wilson’s voicemail. Bow Wow also wanted to buy the cover, but was told that he had to be signed with Shady, Aftermath or G-Unit to get on the cover. Bow Wow settled for the interview.
Before the interview, Bow Wow rehearsed his lines to start the beef. He practiced them in the mirror. He said them to his mom. He would say them while doing his 100 push-ups on his knuckles. He was going to be the realest rapper ever.
The interview was by phone. As they talked, the interviewer could hear someone heart pounding like an 808. Bow Wow dismissed the interviewer stating that he was “beating on the table.”
With his hands on his balls, fitted pulled low over his eyes, slumped down in his chair displaying his best grimey face, Bow Wow was ready to start his first beef! Five minutes into the conversation he grabbed his nuts and said,
“To me, honestly, Will [Smith] wasn’t like a real rapper. He was more like a gimmick. Then he zapped in to get a TV show, and it was on and poppin’. Then after that he was in Hollywood. So things came easy for him.”
“With me, I’m a rapper. I ain’t with the whole colorful cornball type things. That’s just not my style. The only real rappers out there right now are me, Kanye, 50, and maybe Jay [Z]. But Jay ain’t in it like that no more.”
“Will Smith can act, but he does more of those blockbuster Hollywood movies, which I wanna do. But also I wanna do it like Denzel. Movies that really mean something. I feel like I can definitely be better than him.”
XXL, too lazy to challenge Bow Wow’s statements, just published the interview. They felt they had wasted enough time with Lil Bow Wow when they could have been doing a cover shoot with Spider Loc. [Iovine would be pissed. But that’s another story.]
However, just like Bow Wow’s other tactics, this too backfired. Many readers skipped the interview. Those that did read the interview laughed at Bow Wow’s comments. While they disliked Will Smith as a rapper, many saw Bow Wow as being worst than Will Smith. Bow Wow lost all remaining credibililty.
Bow Wow went home and jumped out of his window.