[Today, Brooklyn’s F-a-b-o-l-o-u-s hits the big 3-4. In recognition of his special day (and in concern over his current whereabouts), we here at SOHH are on a hunt for Loso! Here are 5 possible situations you might be able to catch Fab in.]
1. Trying To Scoop Up Kim Kardashian
Can anyone say walking papers? We have a hunch Fab is looking for a lil’ Loso’s Revenge over getting allegedly snuffed by Ray J a few months ago. What better way than to make your own dirty tape with your nemesis’ ex-girl and have it “leak” across the Internet? Kim K is a single lady these days. We see it now, Fab to Kim after the money shot: “You Make Me Better…”
2. Trying To Shut Down Season 2 of VH1’s “Love & Hip-Hop” Season 2
Uh…too little, too late? If Kim Kardashian isn’t the source to finding out what’s up with Fab, then maybe the executives at VH1’s New York offices are. Juelz Santana‘s baby’s mother, Kimbella, already spilled the beans on having dated Fab when Loso’s baby’s mother was pregnant during the show’s premiere. That’s all sorts of wrong, right? Fab may wanna start an online petition or issue a PSA to get this show shut down before even more of his sh*t starts to hit the fan.
3. Finally Fixing The Chipped Tooth
50 Cent‘s done it, T.I.‘s done it, Ludacris did it and even the renowned chipped rapper Nas did it back in the day; got those mugs tightened up. Fab said plans to get his own reality show tanked a while back, but if he plans going the route of exposing his life on camera to millions of viewers, the only chip we should be able to see is the one on his shoulder.
4. Convincing Justin Beiber To Do A Collabo
5. Paying The Money Team To Get Him Brolic In Case Ray J Returns
Balls so hard motherf**kers wanna find me. That sh*t gay. Unfortunately for Fab, Ray J has goons on standby that are literally waiting for the opportunity to get medieval on his a**. When a man’s innocence is in danger, he’ll go to whatever lengths [pause] necessary to ensure his safety, including paying the opposing team to help get his weight up. Our final theory suggests that Loso has been throwing back the Ensures like shots of Ciroc in order to pack the muscle needed to have Ray J going night-night. One man. No blanket.
From all of us at SOHH, enjoy your birthday, Fabolous!