S. Samuel
What's a ghoul to a goblin? Apparently, a hell of a lot. They say "hip-hop is dead", so just in time for Halloween, we at SOHH thought it'd be fun to take a hilariously, spooky look at what it would be like if some of the game's hottest spitter's suddenly went belly up...
1. Drake
October 24, 1986 – October 30, 2011 (Age 25)
Cause of Death: Alcohol Poisoning/Tablet Overdose
Aubrey Drake Graham, born in 1986 in Canada, left us on October 30, 2011.
Toxicology tests determined that Graham’s alcohol intake that evening was three times the legal limit. Officials called to the scene also reported finding several empty tablet bottles scattered throughout the star’s home, leading officials to believe that a deadly mix of wine coolers and Flintstones vitamins played a role in the star’s demise.
Sgt. Phil Petersman, lead investigator at the scene had this to say: “Typically, you don’t see this kind of fatality stemming from such a soft core beverage. I mean a wine cooler? You’d get more of a buzz from a warm Mr. Pibb. And Flintstone vitamins … sh*t, those things are like candy. A funny, yet tragic loss.” Friends suspect suicide, a result of a broken heart after 10,000 rejected marriage proposals to Nicki Minaj.
2. Jay Electronica
September 19, 1976 – April 23, 2015 (Age 38)
Cause of Death: Cardiac Arrest
Timothy “Jay Electronica” Thedford annoyed legions of fans and gamers by dying midway through an online “Call of Duty 3: Modern Warfare”. Benjamin Onasis, (gamertag Swagtastic92) of North Dakota, Electronica’s teammate in the ill-fated mutliplayer match-up, had this to say, “Sh*t sucks, bro. We had the last guy cornered in a bunker and just as we were about to regulate his a**, Electronica starts yelling over his Bluetooth about some f*ckin’ heart condition. He was all like, ‘Call 911, I’m dyin’, I’m dyin’ blah, blah, blah … I was all like, ‘Electronica, dude … STFU and drop the gotd*mn assault drone.’ But he never dropped it … he never dropped it. And that’s how I knew he had to be dead.”
At the time of his death, Electronica had amassed 10 Call of Duty 3 Prestige Emblems, but had only completed 2 songs. Songs, police believe, were to be part of a debut album he had been working on since early 2008. (The audio to the full-length version of “Dear Moleskine” was nowhere to be found on the premises.)
3. Jay-Z
December 4, 1969 – May 5, 2020 (Age 51)
Cause of Death: 100th Problem
Shawn Corey Carter, a man who at one time, publicly boasted that 99 problems were no match for his God-like fortitude, collapsed upon learning that his latest problem did in fact, revolve around a b*tch. In an unusual move, in Carter’s will somewhere, a stipulation was cited in which fellow Brooklyn MC Memphis Bleek was left not only a considerable sum of money, but all of the deceased rapper’s unreleased material. Bleek immediately took hold of these recordings and began working on a project he said is set to be titled, Watch the Throne II.
According to close friends and family, Carter’s 100th problem was literally the straw that broke the camel’s back.
4. Wiz Khalifa
September 8, 1987 – November 11, 2013 (Age 26)
Cause of Death: Unclassified Sexually Transmitted Disease
Cameron Jibril Thomaz, better known by his stage name Wiz Khalifa, was welcomed into the afterlife following a massive heart explosion doctors believe originated from an unclassified venereal disease contracted from his spouse. In the weeks leading up to his death, Khalifa reported shortness of breath, dizzy spells and black & yellow sores appearing all over his mouth & genitals. He is survived by his wife (who reportedly changed her name to Amber Rose West three days after his death), and their two children, Cheech and Chong Khalifa.
5. 50 Cent
July 6, 1975 – July 4, 2019 (Age 43)
Cause of Death: Multiple Trauma Wounds
Famous retired rapper Curtis Jackson aka 50 Cent met his demise in his hometown of Jamaica, Queens. What was supposed to be a fun day at the paintball park turned into a one-man Fourth of July massacre, as the former G-Unit member suffered not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, not eight and not a symbolic ninth bullet but ten paint pellets to the chest.
Witnesses said they saw two men, who were later identified as Marvin Bernard and Christopher Lloyd, fleeing the scene giggling hysterically before departing in a van driven by one Jayceon Taylor. Jackson lives on through his wife of eight years, Gayle King, and his son, Marquis Jackson aka 25 Cent.
6. Nicki Minaj
December 8, 1982 – December 7, 2012 (Age 29)
Cause of Death: Autopsy Inconclusive
Leading female rapper Onika “Nicki Minaj/Roman Zolanski/Martha/Harajuku Barbie/Sixth Grade Russian Math Teacher With OCD/Not Jasmine/Aladdin” Maraj departed this world a day before her 30th birthday. After months of shooting a new film alongside Anthony Anderson and Terry Crews, Minaj reportedly went in for a last-minute augmentation process, which would liken her gluteus maximus to the anatomy of an actual donkey. Although her family refuses to comment, rumors have begun swirling about her mysterious demise on the plastic surgeon’s operating table. Some believe she was getting surgery for her role which had already been generating Razzie Award talk, while others believe it was to accentuate her backside for her debut on the 2013 season of Dancing With The Stars.
7. Lil Wayne
September 27, 1982 – March 22, 2024 (Age 42)
Cause of Death: He’s not a human being, martians can’t die stupid
After welcoming his eleventh child from a Las Vegas escort on January 1st, Dwayne Carter spiraled into a state of depression and excessive sizzurp consumption. Obsessed with success but unable to handle his surmounting child support obligations, Wayne decided to take matters into his own hands, as he was last seen falling off of a 6 foot, 7 foot halfpipe in California, visibly intoxicated. When asked to confirm his identity by paramedics called to the scene, the 42-year-old mogul reportedly responded, “Weezy F. Baby, now please, save the Baby.” Wayne is survived by 15 children and alleged father, Birdman.
If heaven does indeed have a ghetto, then it stands to reason it has a recording studio, which is where you may very well find many of these entertainers in the afterlife. Happy Halloween!
