Drake‘s a big boy: Today the greatest drunk-text rapper alive turns 25! In recognition of his birthday (and sudden pushback of his highly-anticipated sophomore album),we here at SOHH decided to have a little fun and compile a list of 5 reasons that Drake had to take care of before dropping Take Care.
1. Perfecting His Jew-Fro
When you think of Top 5 Afros Dead or Alive, names like Pam Grier, Lil Webbie, Snoop Dogg (circa 1994), George Jefferson and Craig Mack come to mind. Drizzy hopes to change all of that by stepping his Jew-Fro game up before dropping his second album (Hey, he did say he was “the best Jew to ever do it”– might as well go full monty, right?). Watch out ladies: Once his ‘fro is long enough, he may ask you to braid it while he sits between your legs and talks about the latest episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
2. Proposing To Nicki Minaj…Again
Nicki, Nicki, Nicki … can’t you see? Sometimes your curves just hypnotize me. We feel you Drake. Ms. Minaj’s a** is fatter than a country boy’s lunchbox. But d*mn homie, all this weepin’ and wallowin’ is not gonna get you a bite of that rumproast. Drake may have pushed the album back in order to plan the perfect proposal to Nicki, but ultimately, she’ll refuse, leaving him drunk and alone … crying himself to sleep with Boyz II Men‘s “End of the Road” playing softly in the background. Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart? Drake has.
3. Making A 29-Minute Public Service Announcement
Before Drake sets out to save hip-hop, he wants to save the koalas. Not because they were hunted almost to extinction in the early 20th century, but because Drake finds them cute and possibly very ticklish. Ok, we’re kidding. But seriously, a sensitive guy like this might just be the type to delay his sophomore disc in order to fly over Australia in a helicopter while throwing handfuls of marshmellows into Koala habitat. Which would, you know, inadvertantly kill them. D*mn. Cole world.
4. Hunting Down Who Started The #WhenDrakeCries Twitter Trending Topic
#DrakeCriesWhen he gets to the theater late and misses the previews. #DrakeCriesWhen someone else is in his barber’s chair. #DrakeCriedWhen he loses a sock in the wash. Hey, this is sorta fun. Anyway, Heartbreak Drizzy may publicly brush off jabs at his Charmin-soft demeanor, but secretly we know he’s on a manhunt for whoever started one of Twitter‘s most hilarious trending topics.
5. Devising A Plot To Take Out Justin Bieber
Tell ‘em why you mad, son. He’s younger than you, has a wider fan base, and his inner black boy, Shawty Mane, may actually have the potential to beat you in a battle. However, Drake knows that in order to be the hottest act out of Canada, he’s gotta take out J-Beebz. Problem is, in order to do that, he’ll have to get past two bodyguards, a slew of screaming tweens and finally, Usher. And if you think Usher’s gonna let anyone snuff out his little white money machine then you got Mr. Raymond f*cked up. Needless to say, Drake has a Canadian problem and it ain’t bacon.
All jokes aside, from all of us at SOHH, Happy Birthday Drake! And remember: The next time you’re on one in Marvin’s room looking for your name in the headlines, remind your boo I always fall for her type because she’s the best I ever had. Peace.