Pulse Report: Game & Freekey Zekey Play Sex Games, Saigon Experiences The Good, Bad & Ugly, Nicki Minaj P*sses On 'Em

Friday, Feb 25, 2011 12:40PM

Written by Bulldog Butterworth

In this week's Pulse Report, doggies, we quickly examine the relationship rappers and their signature sex moves, analyze Saigon's good, bad and ugly week, applaud Nicki Minaj's "Doggy of the Week" award and oh SOHH much more!

1. The Butters Stroke

LFMAO. WTF is going on with these rappers and sex, doggies? LMFAO! It's one thing to enjoy sex, h*ll, you can even make a song like "Birthday Sex," but to get to the point where you're announcing your signature sex? LMFAO!!! You fancy, huh, you fancy, huh, doggies? I can't call it, doggies. Maybe it's just me and I'm old fashioned, but outside of missionary, doggy and oh yeah, that good ol' "Butters Stroke" I apply to the ladies I am with, there ain't too much more that's important. LOL. The only reason this sh*t is even making its way into the Pulse Report is simply b/c I f*cks with both Game and Freekey Zekey to some extent. I mean, come on, do any of y'all take them serious? LOL. Let's start off with Game and try to figure out what he's yappin' about.

"#mySEXgreatbecause I got the "helicopter tongue"," Game tweeted Monday (February 21).
"#mySEXgreatbecause I make her bust her gun before we switch positions."
"#mySEXgreatbecause I'm not selfish. I let her get hers off & soon as she climax.... I go in so DEEP my twitter page need a condom on it." (Game's Twitter)

^ LMFAO!!! Too bad I don't f*ck around with Twitter b/c I would have been dying on the floor with Game's crazy a**. LMFAO!!!! The "Helicopter Tongue??!?!?!" LMFAO!!! What the h*ll does that even mean, honestly doggies? I mean, OK, we get that you like going down under, Game, but then saying you make her bust her gun before y'all switch positions? LOL. I quit. That sh*t was hysterical. But move over Drake and Game, turns out SOHH got on the horn and had Freekey Zekey put in a bid for "LMFAO Doggy of the Year." LOL.

Freekey ZeekeyCondoms

"It's not a sex move that I have, but it's what happens after the sex," Freekey told SOHH. "They become "Freekatized." You understand me? They become 'Freekatized.' It ain't one move because I'm a man with many moves and places where many moves can go down. It could be inside, outside, right next to where somebody else is talking, they won't know what's going on. We might be at a [President] Barack Obama speech and I might have one of the delegates there beating me off. Once I finish with them, they become 'Freekatized.'" (SOHH)

^ LMFAO!!!!!!! A F*CKING DELEGATE!?!?!?!!!?!?! LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bottom line, doggies, sex is key right now and if y'all can't tell from the Amber Rose, Cassie and all together a** and t*tty shots coming out, then y'all just don't get it. Get your sex game up and come up with some signature sh*t otherwise y'all's girls might be getting "Freekatized" on the low-low. LMFAO!!!!

2. The Good, Bad & Ugly

D*mn, could it all have happened so suddenly? Y'all know what I mean, doggies. It's like when you get the number to a girl/boy you're digging. You're excited, ready and when that "OK!" comes back at you after asking for a date, you're in heaven. GOOD. But then, she gives you the cold shoulder and doesn't meet up with you at that TGIF's restaurant y'all agreed on. BAD. Then, when you finally do trace her down after countless text messages, BBM's or whatever other means you can think of, she tells you she "met" someone. UGLY! Well, doggies, in just a matter of days, Saigon's Greatest Story Never Told suffered the same fate. Let's take a look at this sh*t.

The Good: Greatest Story Never Told In Stores

SaigonSaigon (Greatest Story Never Told)

He's assisted by a jubilant list of features ranging from Jay-Z toBun B. The opening passages of The Greatest Story indicate that Saigon is both book and street smart as he narrates the sketchiness of street-level drug trades ("the pessimists outnumber the optimists/on the block in this, coppers they got binoculars cuz I can feel em watching us"). "The Invitation" also contains an utterly soulful instrumental courtesy of Just Blaze, which is somewhat unbalanced by Q-Tip attempting to be more lively than usual on the hook. The Just Blaze-produced title track is nothing short of magnificent. Sounding hungrier than ever, "The Yardfather" delivers social commentary along with a heaping portion of braggadocio over smooth medley of horns and jazz guitar, spitting, "we was brought here to pick the cotton/now we pickin the music the master listen to, the clothes in which he rockin." Earlier in the album, Sai proves able of making a commercial record on the Jay-Z and Swizz Beatz assisted single, "Come On Baby." (iHipHop)

^ GOOD! Not only did the album FINALLY hit stores, but it is packed with stellar collaborations. I mean, got d*mn, look at all the positives surrounding this sh*t. You got some of hip-hop's greatest ever in Q-Tip and Bun B plus you're able to still cake up with that Jay-Z "Come On Baby" sh*t even though you're no longer on Atlantic? As DMX would say, Sai, GOOD FOR YOU!

The Bad: Greatest Story Never Told's Big Day

SaigonSaigon (Greatest Story Never Told)

Brooklyn rapper Saigon's long-awaited Greatest Story Never Told finally landed on the chart this week at No. 61. With seven days in the books, the "Yard Father's" debut has sold 11,300 copies. (SOHH Sales Wrap)

^ Stop it, doggies. STOP. I don't want to hear sh*t about Saigon not getting full publicity or hear about how 11K is GOOD (refer to the previous mark for the GOOD) in this economy. Are you f*cking kidding me? LOL. I mean, d*mn, even Lloyd Banks pushed out 45K off only having ONE good single and the rest of the album as filler. Sai, you didn't even crack Top 50 doggy. I know mixtape cats that put out retail sh*t who did more #'s than you doggy. WTF? That's BAD.

The Ugly: Greatest Story Never Told's Mockery

SaigonSaigon (Greatest Story Never Told)

"You know what's CRAZY ??? I sold almost 12K records in one week and I only got 6K twitter followers ..... I did Souljah Boy numbers kid ...," Sai tweeted Thursday (February 24).

^ Is this motherf*cking doggy serious? SMFH. No f*cking joke, huh, Sai? You didn't even bother to put an "LOL" or "lmfao" at the end of that statement. For starters, the fact that you tried to make 12K in one-week sound hot when your punk a** has been featured on "Entourage," got Just Blaze promoting the sh*t out of you and had probably the only good beef in 2009 with Joe Budden"S?"? Get the f*ck outta here with that sh*t. That's not even super, that's SUPER UGLY!

3. Doggy of the Week: Nicki Minaj

Give it up to her, doggies. Again. Sure, Drake held sh*t down last week much to my surprise but this week it has to go to the one and only Nicki Minaj. Turns out she's not as plastic as I tend to see her as. The way she's handled her sh*t in the midst of this bullsh*t "Black Friday" f*ckery that Lil Kim is throwing at her, keeping money over f*cking, pushing those #'s in a sh*tty music sales slump, getting real on us and getting a funny a** co-sign? Doggies, it brings me great pleasure to name Nicki Minaj "Doggy of the Week."

1. I'm Focused, Doggy

Nicki MinajNicki Minaj

"I have no romance in my life at all, and it's not important to me right now. I have love for people who are on my team that I see every day and for my family, that's what makes me do what I do. I also have love for people that I interact with. If I have too much of the romantic love, I feel like it will distract me. Right now I feel like a robot." (BET)

^ Even though I think she is semi-bullsh*tting with us right here, I gotta give Minaj props. The fact that her a** can be that big and not have a doggy attached to it? I mean, sh*t, we're living in times when it pays off to have a little side piece. Look at Kanye West/Amber Rose, Jay-Z/Beyonce, Bow Wow/Ciara, etc etc..... But I respect that she is solely focused on keeping her buzz going. She could have just put sh*t up and went like Lloyd Banks with being satisfied with a high-selling debut. But nah, she's moving fast. No days off.

2. I Got More Than A Milli, Doggy

Nicki MinajNicki Minaj (Pink Friday)

Young Money star Nicki Minaj's Pink Friday fell from Top 5 moving down five positions to No. 9 with 45,900. After 13 weeks on the chart, the self-proclaimed Barbie's debut has sold 1,127,200 records. (SOHH Sales Wrap)

^ Doggies. 1.1 million copies sold? Stop it. Just f*cking stop it.

3. Peek-A-Book Doggies, I See Y'All Haters

Nicki MinajTwitter

"All of those people who follow me on Twitter? They aren't my friends. Some of them are fans, but many of them are people who hate my guts and are just waiting for me to tweet something that they can put on their blogs. It's easy to see 2 million followers and think, 'Look at all these people who love me!' But not all of them love me. Whether I'm smiling or not, I know that people are always waiting for me to slip up." (BlackBook)

^ D*mn! I can't even lie, I've never heard a doggy keep sh*t a hundred like that. D*MN! She just took the fact she's got 2 million followers and a grip/all of them are some hating a** haters. LMFAO!!!! D*MN! I never heard anybody keep sh*t a 100 like that. That alone shows she's not here f*cking around. Minaj is a lot smarter than we take her for. I used to think she was on some funny bullsh*t, saying sublminals just to do it, but she's dead a** on point right here. Gotta pay her proprs for that.

4. Shut The Funk Up, Doggies

Eddie Griffin, Amber Rose, Kim Kardashian & Nicki MinajNicki Minaj

"Amber Rose, man, the girl's got it going on and I like what she's bringing to the public," Griffin told SOHH. "She's bringing something new. Nicki Minaj, man, that girl's got style, she's got flavor and man, it's like a female George Clinton. Man, she keeps it classy at the same time, that's what I like about her. She don't hooch herself out. Kim [Kardashian] is famous for f*cking somebody famous. So what are you talking about? [laughs] And did you see when Prince [recently] threw her a** off-stage at Madison Square Garden? That sh*t was funnier than a motherf*cker. That little n*gga said, 'B*tch, you ain't gonna dance? Bye!'" (SOHH)

Eddie Griffin compared Nicki Minaj to motherf*cking George Clinton? WTF?!?!!? Are you kidding me? LOL. That's a hot a** co-sign. Think about it like this, doggies. Eddie could have easily aired her a** out like he did Kim Kardashian, but instead he gives props and compares her to the most illest and funky doggy of all-time? D*mn. What more do y'all need? That's hot.

4. Mrs. Butterworth: Alexis Lopez

Let me tell you doggies something. It must have been a calling b/c I can't call it. For the past week, I've been getting surrounded by Lopez's left and right. I heard this interview with Jennifer Lopez talking to Hot 97, then I turn on the TV and see that wack a** George Lopez talk show and then, SMFH, I change the channel and see the f*cking Nets' Brook Lopez dunking on some doggy. WTF? I told myself it had to be coincidence but then when I went to DynastySeries.com, I see sexy a** Alexis Lopez and I KNEW it was a calling for Mrs. Butterworth. Doggies, put them hands together and give a round of applause to Lopez, Alexis Lopez that is. LOL.

Alexis LopezAlexis Lopez

Alexis LopezAlexis Lopez

Alexis Lopez

........Actually, you know what. I want to prove to y'all I'm serious about this Alexis Lopez lady. So just in case y'all thought I was bullsh*tting, remember this:

Alexis Lopez

^ D*mn! Caliente! LOL. And y'all know I gets busy when it comes to the videos. Feast those watery eyes on these clips, doggies:

^ GOT D*MN, doggies. Love white and black women, but it's all about the Spanish women today.

5. "STFU" Honors

SMFH. LOL. D*mn doggies, y'all know I had to do it. It just doesn't end with Cap Diss, we're going all the h*ll the way in with Lil Kim. Even though I don't f*ck with Nicki Minaj's bubble a** type hard like a majority of y'all doggies, Kim's appeal has been sh*ttier than Mr. Hanky on a late night VHS viewing of an old "South Park" tape from the garage. LOL. I thought it was gonna end when she said some wild sh*t about Nicki's one million album sales being suspect. NO. Then I thought she got away with some slick sh*t she said about Foxy Brown's hearing. NO. But she could not stop there. Kim went on to basically admit she would do a duet w/ Minaj, tried to make being unsigned a new hype and tried to make it sound like "she" played Scott Storch, not the other way around. SMH. Doggies, welcome back to the "SHUT THE F*CK UP" Honors section!

1. Lil Kim & Sales

Lil' KimNicki Minaj (Pink Friday)

"At the end of the day, her sales can be questioned also. Not to say she didn't have the build-up, but the only thing you kept hearing before her album dropped was nobody liked it, it was wack. Don't get me wrong, she might have a couple songs that are OK, but who cares. The haters will be haters, that's their job, and we need them."

2. Lil Kim & Deaf Joke

Lil KimFoxy Brown

"[Laughs] I don't think she heard it," Kim jokingly said referring to Foxy's past publicized hearing disorder. "I don't even--I couldn't even--you know what, next question. [Laughs] That was the biggest joke of the industry ever. Hilarious, hilarious. I don't understand it."

3. Lil Kim Needs $$$

Nicki Minaj & Lil KimNicki Minaj

"The only way that's gonna happen is it's definitely gonna take a check. At the end of the day, I'm a boss. I was a hustler before I was an entertainer. What I mean by that is, I love music--love, love, love music. I love entertaining, I love being in the industry, but the truth of the matter is if music and the industry didn't bring me money, this would not be my first occupation. I also am a businesswoman and I know that living life, you have to eat. If the industry was designed where you didn't make money from it, it was just music to produce, I would still do it, but it wouldn't be my first occupation."

4. Lil Kim Could Use A Job

SOHH's Favorite Things: STFU Honors (Lil Kim)Atlantic Records

"What people don't even understand is that I've been independent for a long time now. I've been independent for about 5 years now. As soon as I came out of prison the Atlantic situation was basically done. I was on my own for a long time. Atlantic haven't helped me with anything in about 7 or 8 years so they have absolutely nothing to do with my music career at all. Period. Everything you see me do I use my own money to do it; I've been my own boss. The other girl, she may answer to her own boss but 'I am' my own boss. She probably gets checks cut to her but I cut my own checks."

5. Lil Kim Ain't Wifey Material

Lil KimScott Storch

"But let me just say this," Kim added. "Scott Storch, at the time we were together, he was extremely, extremely good to me. I appreciate everything that he's done for me and with me. Our relationship was not about material things, Scott and I really had fun. He's one of the relationships where I probably would have married Scott on the strength of the fact that he treated me like a queen. The only thing that I didn't accept -- there was this ring. Scott really wanted me to have it. I kind of was not ready to get married and Scott was just like, 'Move in with me.' That was one of the biggest arguments him and I had. I saw him becoming possessive a little bit and it's like he would get mad at me sometimes when I didn't do things he wanted. I love Scott and I just didn't understand how he wanted me to prove how much I loved him. One time we had the biggest argument because my feet weren't next to his at a certain awards show we attended together. Like, little stuff which was stupid. A huge fight would break out."

caption-diss-300x300-2011-02-18.jpg

***Doggies, reminder. E-mail your Cap Diss submissions to [email protected] b/c Comedy Central has given SOHH "5" copies to give away to "5" doggies. Aight? No bullsh*ting this weekend, lost some more f*cking $$$ on All-Star, so I'm broke as h*ll. LOL. Bring us some warm weather, doggies, still cold as f*ck in NYC! Enjoy the weekend doggies! -BB***

[Editor's Note: The views expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect those of SOHH]

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