Pulse Report: Jay-Z & Eminem Vs. MC Hammer & Nick Cannon, Lloyd Banks Cooks Up A Classic, Kat Stacks Gets Pumped

Friday, Oct 1, 2010 12:55PM

Written by Bulldog Butterworth

In this week's Pulse Report, doggies, we see if MC Hammer and Nick Cannon can touch Jay-Z and Eminem, admit that Lloyd Banks is cooking up a hip-hop classic, see why Kat Stacks is getting pumped up and oh SOHH much more!

1. Let's Get Ready To Rumble!!!

LMFAO!!! Good week doggies, turns out this weather around the East Coast is getting more sticky and humid than ever, but y'all didn't come to hear about forecasts, so let's get this Pulse Report kicked off properly. Now of course we looked at this Nick Cannon vs. Eminem thing as nothing more than recycled and late a** bullsh*t, right? LMFAO. Turns out in just the past five days, what started out with a wack "Slick Rick" diss track has turned into something more serious. SMFH. Looks like Cannonball is really down to lace up some gloves and stick it out with Slim Shady, right? Peep the challenge right here doggies:

"I'm on some Harlem Nights type sh!t I'm putting my money on @Eminem to win!! LOL," Cannon tweeted Monday (September 27).
"One things for d*mn sure @Eminem has way more fans than I do! They go hard! I don't want it with #Teamshady LOL"
"Nick vs Eminem: The Challenge Has Been Made! http://bit.ly/aFa0te"
"It will be all for charity! Like when Screech fought Horshack on celebrity boxing!

^ LMFAO!!! You see? This is why I can't take doggy serious. How the h*ll do you go from doing some slick disses to saying let's fight for charity? Isn't this the equivalent of Jadakiss challenging 5-0 Cent to a Pay-Pay-View freestyle battle a few years back? SMFH. Somebody needs to tell Coolio to come and calm this silly a** down. And just when I thought that this rap sh*t couldn't get any more WACK, LOL, turns out one old a** rapper took an opportunity to invite himself into an imaginary beef with Jay-Z. Peep the math:

"And Hammer went broke so you know I'm more focused/ I lost 30 mil so I spent another 30/Cause unlike Hammer 30 million can't hurt me."

^ LOL. Really though, is Jay saying sh*t that we didn't already know? SMFH. Yeah, Hammer, just b/c you did a performance with Rick Ross doesn't mean your past got wiped out like bankruptcy. LOL. And we all know those Cash 4 Gold commercial checks are running dry. But did Hammer listen? SMFH:

"@kanyewest jay-hoe aka #HellBoy Tell Jay Oct 31 (Devils Nite) We'll see if this record and video"Hurt's Him" .. #IamHammer," Hammer tweeted on Saturday (September 25).
"KING HAMMER:You wanted my attention #HellBoy (Jigga) ..you got it .. http://bit.ly/9BIhWj #IamHammer."
"These lil demons and Imps stopping by timeline today.. Yes,I dissesd yo #Daddy .. The dude who made the #Lucifersong....smh"

^ Really, doggies? Demons? Hellboy? What the h*ll, boy? LMFAO. Good looks @RapRadar for that video b/c seeing MC Hammer actually hitting a punching bag like he would even get an inch close to Jay-Z before coming across Beyonce's bodyguard and Memphis Bleek is a joke. LOL. Now just when we think what we KNOW, that Eminem and Jay-Z won't respond to these doggies, the most logical occurrence takes place. SMFH.....Cannonball connects with Hammertime. SMFH.

Nick Cannoneminem-jay-z-2010-09-03-300x300.jpg

"TAGTEAM WRESTLING MATCH!! Me and @MCHAMMER against @Eminem and Jay Z! LOL!," Cannon tweeted Tuesday (September 28).
"Hey @MCHAMMER you know you my dude... but I don't think Eminem or Jay Z are even paying attention to us!!! LOL"
"But I don't have nothing to lose!!! If I get beat up no one would be surprised... It will just be more material for my stand up!"

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! These Twitter messages have wasted not just mine, but EVERYBODY'S time with a useless battle that is never going to happen. Cannonball only has relevance b/c of Mariah Carey making him her wife. Yes, doggies, WIFE. Hammertime is only here b/c Ross did a dope a** song based off his name and b/c JAY-Z used his name in a reference. THAT'S IT. As far as what happens now? Well, don't count on Jay or Em to deal with these doggies, but expect more a** jokes from these two doggies and NOTHING to happen on October 31st.

2. Making Of A Hip-Hop Epic

SMFH. GGG-GGG-GGGG-UNIT! Yes, doggies, you read that correctly. Whether I want to hate on 5-0 Cent or not, his brand is actually on the come-up. A few months back I said how Lloyd Banks was going to survive his boss' self-destructive ways and I can't lie, the G-Unit flag might start waving again. What I thought was fading buzz after "Beamer, Benz or Bentley" and that wack a** remix has actually turned into positive buzz. A Kanye West co-sign here, an Eminem collaboration there, and a banging a** guest list for The Hunger For More 2? Yeah doggies, f*ck the old Bulldog Butterworth, Banks has a BANGER RAP CLASSIC brewing and I want IN!

Kanye West & RaekwonTony Yayo & 50 Cent

Fabolous & Ryan LeslieLloyd Banks & Eminem

Styles PChris Brown

"Banks HFM2 is gonna be crazy! I'm on the album. Em on it, kanye, stylesP, ryan leslie, swizz, fab, jeremih, raekwon, yayo, chris brown," 5-0 tweeted Monday (September 27).

^ Are you f*cking kidding me? Laugh all y'all want doggies, but Kanye West, Styles P, Ryan Leslie, Swizz Beatz, Fabolous, Jeremih, Raekwon, Tony Yayo, 5-0 Cent and Chris Brown all on ONE album is taking my a** back to those Funkmaster Flex: The Final Chapter days. I can't even recall the last time a line-up this strong was on a rap album WITHOUT Drake or Nicki Minaj. West bagged Amber Rose, Styles P is the streets, Ryan Leslie leaked those Cassie coochie shots, Swizz Beatz cheated on Mashonda to get with Alicia Keys, Jeremih is the new Trey Songz, Raekwon is that WU DOGGY, Yayo is Yayo, 5-0 is 5-0, and Chris Brown is the dark comeback kid. Yeah doggies. This line-up is sick and has the recipe for what could actually be a classic rap album. Clap for him.

Still not impressed doggies? This is actually what made me stop watching my illegal copy of The Social Network and start blogging about possibly the dopest collaboration since Kanye West's "We Major" back in 2005.

Banks and Nas Collabo? from XXL Video on Vimeo.

Lloyd Banks came up to the XXL offices this afternoon as the latest guest on our weekly Wednesday UStream show, Spotlight, and during the engaging interview he spoke on the possibility of he and 50 Cent rival Nas appearing together on one of Kanye West's upcoming G.O.O.D. Friday tracks. Banks said that he was in the studio with our October cover star two nights ago, along with John Legend and Kid Cudi and worked on two cuts--one for The Hunger for More 2 and one for 'Ye's upcoming, still unnamed LP. "The record I had did for Kanye, he was saying he was putting Nas on it, so you may be seeing that in the future," The Punchline King told XXLMag.com.

^ Nas and Banks on the SAME track? SMFH. I quit, doggies. Now stop b*tching and saying that they didn't record their vocals in the same booth, this is still some monumental sh*t whether y'all want to admit it or not. I have been waiting YEARS to hear that bogus a** rapper Nas get on with Banks. LOL. Nah, joking about that "bogus" sh*t, doggies, that's a little inside joke to my longtime readers. LOL. But even better than all that is the fact Banks jacked West's idea and is dropping new music on the regular:

"I'm not gonna stop putting out mixtape material, I don't know if I'm gonna put it out in the form of a mixtape," Banks explained in an interview. "But every Friday, I've been releasing a new record. Every Friday for 'Blue Fridays.' So I figure we do that for the next eight, nine weeks and by the time the album comes out, [the fans] will have a mixtape if they put it all together."

November 23rd, doggies. F*ck a Pink Friday, it's the return of Blue Hefner. Even though we're repping the South, South Bronx over here, Queens has sh*t on lock.

3. Return Of The Stacks

D*mn doggies, didn't I ban this b*tch, I mean pussycat, from Pulse Report? SMFH. Kat Stacks is becoming more and more like the drunk a** nagging friend that won't leave a party. But at the end of the day, is it really her that we should be pissed at or the RAPPERS that keep giving her life? D*mn, I'm starting to think Stacks is like Beetlejuice and these RAPPERS keep f*cking around and mentioning her name. SMFH. But the best sh*t that I read this past week is a video h*e vixen saying that Stacks isn't at fault at all. LOL.

Kat Stacks & Melyssa FordKat Stacks

"She's gotten slapped three times? If somebody really wanted to do something to her, they probably would have done it already. Basically, what she proved is that people just talk a lot of sh*t, because she just keeps coming back. She's like, 'Y'all ain't gonna hold me down. I'm gonna continue doing what I do. Yeah, I got slapped. Now I'm going to protect myself from that sh*t. But guess what, I'm gonna keep on talking.' She's never made a secret of what she is or what she's doing and what her motivation is. It's clear cut, so it's your bad if you choose to get involved with it. It's funny that she happens to be the one doing it. She's reflecting the mirror back on the person who chooses to talk sh*t about her. A bunch of rappers are like, 'She ain't sh*t,' but y'all are the ones that f*cking connected with her on Twitter, met up with her, f*cked her and bought her sh*t. The fact of the matter is, she ended up with your personal information for a reason. You gave it to her. So, you can't really condemn somebody for doing exactly what they said they would do. I think she's a total enigma. She came out of left field. She hasn't made apologies for any of her behavior and people keep falling victim to it, even though she promotes the person that she is. It's like she's hiding in plain sight. That is the perfect thing to say about her. Kat Stacks is hiding in plain sight, and if you choose to put blinders on then that's your bad."

^ LMFAO!!!!!! Get the h*ll outta here Melyssa Ford. I think you lost a bit of your brain when you started losing your a** b/c doggies ain't giving out their numbers to her. She's jacking them sh*ts and also, besides Soulja Boy, who the h*ll is "falling victim" to her? The problem is she is LYING about all this. SMFH. And looking back, I gotta say doggies, as funny and misleading as Ford's support for Stacks was, nothing was even more funny than "B. PUMPER" going at Stacks on the porn tip!!! LMFAO!!!!

"There's a lot of b*tches I wanna f*ck," Pumper said in an interview with personality Jack Thriller. "We need to get Kat Stacks. She need to come get in the sh*t anyway. That celebrity money she's getting is slowing down. I'ma break her in. You know I'm the hottest porn company popping...If that b*tch's smart, she'll f*ck with me. Let me make her a star. B*tch, you can take what you're doing right now to the next level. What's good?"

^ LMFAO!!! Just based off that right there, I would cop his album AND DVD to see Stacks with her a** laid out. SMFH. Did y'all peep the slick sh*t Pumper was saying and doing? Don't let the words fool y'all, he was slick as h*ll with it. "That celebrity money she's getting is slowing down.....................I'm gonna f*ck Kat Stacks." LMFAO!!!!! F*ck a Grammy, hand this doggy an Oscar award! LOL!!!! And of course, Stacks with too much pride to her plastic a** chest took this on the offensive and yapped some wack sh*t:

"So I got this motherf*cker B. Pumper running his motherf*cking mouth talking about how I should f*ck with him if I want to make some real motherf*cking money," Stacks said in a response video. "Motherf*cker, my last name is Stacks for a motherf*cking reason. And real does not rhyme with your a** motherf*cker. Especially with that fake a** jewelry you got on...Then he said I should do a motherf*cking porn movie with you? Motherf*cker, the last b*tch you did a porno movie with was Laurence Fishburne's motherf*cking daughter and you left rust stains on her a** cheeks from your motherf*cking fake jewelry...I couldn't even eat chocolate chip cookies anymore because you left this b*tch's a** all spotted up."

^ SMFH.......d*mn, I guess she's making so many videos that she doesn't realize how NOT funny this was. "I couldn't even eat chocolate chip cookies...." SMFH. Get the f*ck outta here with your corny a**, Stacks. But no matter how much I clown this chick, doggies, turns out she keeps on making headlines on this site and about every other one out there. SMFH. And also, at the end of the day doggies, let's be honest, wouldn't we all pay to see Kat Stacks get f*cked out of her brains just to see her defenseless? LMFAO!!!! She can front on this all she wants but if y'all are thinking like me, she is one hotel video away from getting a sex tape leaked.

4. Mrs. Butterworth: Francoise Boufhal

Yes doggies, you got it, once again you have all found yourselves to easily the bestest (on my Nicki Minaj sh*t) section of Pulse Report, hate it or love it. Now it was just last week that I said I couldn't and wouldn't force up a "white" Mrs. Butterworth into this section unless she qualified. Well, I upped the ante with Sayeeda Blue who turned out to be the hottest thing reppin' India since that shorty from Slumdog Millionaire and this week is no different. Ladies and doggies, it is time to introduce a white woman, technically, with the largest (28H) puppies I have seen on this side of the Mississippi. LOL!!!

Francoise BoufhalFrancoise Boufhal

Francoise BoufhalFrancoise Boufhal

Francoise BoufhalFrancoise Boufhal

^ LMFAO. Now stop it doggies, I already hear the commentary about that a** being more inverted than a pan, but like Redman said back in the day, "I got a chick with no a** at all/I f*ck her for the love of that money and basketball." And at the end of the day, doggies, 28H is enough fun bag action to make you even forget what she looks like from the back. LOL. Oh, we ain't done either. Peep the math:

As a baby, Boufhal was named 'prettiest baby in the Metro Centre'. At 16 she joined a Newcastle based modelling agency as she continued her studies at Gosforth High School. At 5'-4" and a 28H chest, Boufhal was always knocked back from fashion houses for being too short and having an 'unusual' figure. Boufhal has appeared in Nuts as 'Nuts next top model', Zoo and was Maxim's April 2009 cover girl. She is currently an up and coming favorite of the national newspapers. The Daily Star has claimed she is their "latest discovery" set to follow in the foot steps of Kelly Brook and Lucy Pinder. Francoise is featured in the June 2010 issue of Playboy USA.

Now peep the visuals:

^ D*mn, sorry Cam'ron, but "I Hate Love My Job." LOL!!!!!

5. "STFU" Honors

SMFH. At this point doggies, you should know that every artist cannot avoid the inevitable "SHUT THE F*CK UP" section b/c from Nicki Minaj to 5-0 Cent, we have seen the best and worst of them at this point. LOL. This week? Well, doggies, we gotta give props to a fat rapper applauding his stunt double's sex tape, some Diplomatic broken ties getting Scotch taped back together, a doggy that lost a shot at getting a hot pussy......cat, an R&B princess threatening to drop a diss record and of course, a retired video vixen making every doggy puke over her getting hot and gooey for 50 cents.

1. Rick Ross

Rick RossVideo Vixen

"Man, all the females that's hitting me on Twitter, it's actually flattering," Ross said. "It's funny and it's good to know that fat n----s get p---- all around the world...I noticed that homie ain't have none of my tatts...When I first saw the screen shot of it, I thought 'd*mn, my mom taught me when I was young never lay on hotel spreads.' ... And they was laying on some cheap a** hotel spreads that probably had all kinds of sh*t on it because you know they don't do them as often as they do the sheets."

2. Jim Jones/Cam'ron

Jim Jones & Cam'ronKanye West

"Shout-outs to Kanye man," Jones added. "Don't nobody take it wrong. We here, we just having fun. It's hip-hop. Cam is probably one of the best rappers that's been in this game for the past 10 years. We're having fun...He didn't diss him on the record, [Cam] just pointed something out."

3. Snoop Dogg

Snoop DoggNicki Minaj

"Oh, she getting money, sh*t. I ain't no hater. She filling a lane that's empty. There ain't no female rappers that are appealing that can rap, that are connected to a real rap group or rap gang or what not. She doing her thang thang...Sometimes we may not understand it 'cause it may not be for you but at the same time that's not to disencourage it. I like her. She get down, she fly, she look good, she got her thang together. I knew her before she became big or whatnot. She interviewed me a couple times...She interviewed me at a Lil Wayne concert once upon a time when I was backstage and she was on the incline and I know she was liking pimpin' and whatnot but pimpin' wasn't on her like that. So I didn't even play my cards like that. I kept my hands to myself."

4. Ashanti

AshantiLloyd Banks

"She was appreciative," Banks told DJ Vlad when explaining her reaction to his recent apology. "We joked about it and she was like, 'Yeah n*gga, I could have got your a** too.' She could have dissed me back. You know what I mean? Who knows, I could have took a dive but nah, she understood what time it was. I just felt like that was cool for me to do, being that it was said. You got family members, everybody that might remember that time, so why not make it right before we go into the future."

5. Melyssa Ford

50 Cent & Melyssa Ford50 Cent (Shockingly Skinny)

"Worst things could be said because he's easy on the eyes. Will power [keeps our relationship platonic] [Laughs]. I think [dating 50] would be a lot of unnecessary pressure that I don't know if I'd be willing to deal with. Maybe [if we weren't in the industry], yeah. It's very easy for a woman to fall in love with him and it happens all the time. Because of his money? Yeah. Fine, but the reality of the situation is 50's so charming that he can get and keep just about any woman he wanted. It's just the truth."

***LMFAO!!! Doggies, thanks for y'all having patience with me over the past few weeks. I've been having some meetings with the good ol' folks at SOHH and it looks like they are starting to hear me out. If all goes according to planned, we're gonna start getting Cap Disses on the homepage AND start awarding the winning caption. But I don't want to get too ahead of myself, we'll take it one day at a time. So check and see what's what next week but we should be good. Other that that, enjoy the weekend and have some fun, it's October, doggies! -BB***

[Editor's Note: The views expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect those of SOHH]

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