Pulse Report: Fat Joe Outsells 50 Cent's Slanderous Predictions, Lloyd Banks' Ex-Girl Speaks Out, Young Buck Is Homeless

Friday, Aug 6, 2010 11:00AM

Written by Bulldog Butterworth

In this week's Pulse Report, doggies, we're gonna laugh our a**es back a week and see 50 Cent f*ck up Fat Joe's album sales prediction, listen to what Lloyd Banks' ex-wifey has to say about the "Punch Line King" breaking her heart, give a moment of silence to the loss of Young Buck's property and oh SOHH much more!

1. Some Things Will Never Change

Before we even start this sh*t off, doggies, y'all know I don't apologize for a motherf*cking thing I do, post or say either in here, Cap Diss or on the comments, but I gotta take that "L" for last week b/c the Dell got a f*cking virus and I could't comment until I got it back Monday afternoon. D*mn you YouPorn!!! Anyway, sh*t is all settled now, lost all my Cassie and Rihanna t*tty and kitty kat pics, but other than that, your top dog is still on his same ol' bullsh*t. And FYI, I DO have to look at SOHH stories from the past week when I put together Pulse Report and I see some of y'all slick sh*t talking on the doggy, save that for HERE or maybe Cap Diss, b/c asking if there is anything else on SOHH besides "Bullsh*t Butterwh*re" is gonna get you blasted the f*ck out by me, doggies. I respect the sh*t talk but at least pay a doggy the respect of bringing it to my front door which is presently in these two spots. Now, to the task at hand. Motherf*cking 5-0 Cent has once again broken his promise and showed that his career in this music sh*t, much like his film sh*t, is, well, some sh*t that's reached its end. Dissing Fat Joe, 5-0, really? SMH. I still laugh at my crazy a** for having respect for this doggy back in 2002 when he was really the f*cking top dog but at this point, it's just pathetic. Before I go ahead and show you what this doggy said about Fat Joe, let's just remember what he said a couple weeks ago:

"I don't have...issues with people until they say things that make me feel like they want a problem," said the Queens rapper. "Point to one situation that I've been in, one altercation where I was competing with another artist that I've started...Ain't that hip-hop? There's always been battling. It's always been a part of the culture. In the future, because I've been kind of captured as the actual bad guy on some level because they watch me compete and win and it feels like it was effortless, I will [make] a point to not even respond. I'l just look and watch people when they say things.

^ Y'all see this sh*t, right? It's not just me, Bulldog Butterworth, having read sh*t like, "I don't have issues with people until BLAH BLAH BLAH........" and to anyone who wants to even use a weak a** excuse about Fat Joe referencing 5-0 as "Curtis" and wanting to celebrate his death on Darkside, well, that's just a stretch. Now, to the coward of the hour, 5-0:

"I just listened to Fat Joe's record and this is all I have to say." 50 then puts up a copy of Fat Joe's Darkside, Volume 1 which has an animated smiley face crying with tears pouring down its face. "I didn't mean to do this to you Joe." 50 then proceeds to mock his rap rival with footage of a woman and men crying, all taken from different sources. The video concludes with a message reading: "Only 5,000 copies sold...d*mn Joe!"

So is this the new thing 5-0 is going to continue doing? SMH. Not only did Fat Joe outsell his last sh*t but he sold over 10K on f*cking E-1 MUSIC! Top that sh*t, doggies:

"Re-Tweet: E1Music Congrats to @joeycrackts for selling 12,320 copies of The Dark Side this week & being the #2 indie album!!!"
"Why they mad at me for putting out good music real music music they can't make!!! DARKSIDE!!!"

^ LMFAO. Granted, this motherf*cker was on the verge of being featured in "STFU" today, LMFAO, but we'll let that "why they mad at me" sh*t slide. Look, I won't take up too much time on this post doggies b/c ultimately I want to show y'all that 5-0 with his 5K prediction was bogus as f*ck and that 12K on f*cking E-1 Music is a GOOD A** DEBUT. Say what y'all want, but last year that J.O.S.E. 2 sh*t had records like "One" with Akon with some decent promo and yet Darkside sold a grip of sh*t without all the bullsh*t behind it. Oh, and while I'm at it, watch 5-0 stan the f*ck out of Joe's last two albums right here. SMFH:

Fat Joe's J.O.S.E. II

Fat Joe's Elephant in the Room

^ LMFAO. I won't lie, that last one was f*cking funny. SMFH. But really doggies, is it me bugging the f*ck out? Why doesn't 5-0 just let up off this because the sh*t is making him look suspect as h*ll when Lloyd Banks and Tony Yayo don't even have LABELS. SMFH. Moving on.......

50 CentFat Joe

BONUS: Fat Joe f*cks with Chelsea Handler. D*mn. Commercial, doggies?

2. Uncle Sam

Is this really a surprise to y'all, doggies? The fact that Young Buck's a** has allegedly been ducking the IRS since his a** got booted out of G-Unit in 2008 is beyond understandable. LMFAO. I think the whole entire nation knew that his $$$ problems got him kicked out of G-Unit and that eventually sh*t would crumble on top of him. What exactly happened? Well, d*mn, guess I might as well stop the anticipation and spill the beans:

Armed feds reportedly raided the home of rapper Young Buck on Tuesday because he allegedly owes more than $300,000 in unpaid taxes. IRS agents carrying a shotgun warned the performer not to interfere as they turned his Nashville home inside-out seizing assets that included recording equipment, jewelry, and his kids' PlayStation.

^ LMFAO!!!!!!!!! What the f*ck, a PlayStation? D*mn Buck, maybe you should of been like me and got rid of that wack a** 1996 console and copped an X-Box 360. LMFAO. Seriously though doggies, NO ONE should feel sorry for Buck. Trust me, I f*cks with him HARD and am even looking forward to that Back On My Bucksh*t 2 that will probably NEVER be released now, but to feel sympathy on this emotional a** RAPPER? SMFH. Y'all still act like this isn't the same guy that:

^ "It's hard to heal your wound....." SMFH. Back to the other sh*t, turns out that Buck isn't even trying to make like his a** is on the outs:

Young BuckLegal Gavel

"The worst part of this isn't the material stuff-that will all be replaced. It's what it does to the people around me. They took my kids' Playstation, my assistants' computers, and baby's mothers' jewelry. They took my home studio so I can't even record...This IRS situation came about because I trusted accountants, lawyers, and managers to handle my business for me while I focused on making music. From now on, I am going to stay on top of my own business."

^ LMFAO!!! Well Buck, if you owe $300,000 and probably more, I'm sure they would probably take the toilet paper stuck up your a** too, it's the f*cking IRS, you can't f*ck around doggy. And while we're at it, what the F*CK is your baby's mother jewelry doing at YOUR house? SMFH!!!! Sh*t, so I guess you gotta pay those boys back before you can even think about paying 5-0 that $$$ he loaned you. SMFH. It's over for Buck, or so it seems. He is contractually obligated to G-Unit, whatever the f*ck that means, and so 5-0 Cent owns his a**. Buck also has the IRS officially taxing that a** even more now. So what the f*ck? On one side it's 5-0 and then on the other it's the government. D*mn, doggies, y'all got thoughts on this sh*t?

3. Another B*tch In My Life

LMFAO. Y'all are gonna love me for this. Basically, we can go ahead and call this a pre-Mrs. Butterworth post b/c this is f*cking insane. Turns out Lloyd Banks wasn't joking about bagging some of the finest b*tches on the low a few weeks back:

"Nobody wants their private sh*t to come out. Some things are supposed to stay that way. I wouldn't do it on the other end, so I can't appreciate that...I've done seen a lot, I've seen a mother and daughter, I done had a mother and daughter, women in the room already, things like that. Imagine going in your bathroom and somebody come out the closet. It's been crazy, overwhelming man and I think it helped me, from being with women and so beautiful that you look at them and be like, 'D*mn, how the f*ck did I get this b*tch?' It kinda preps you that everything isn't always about the looks."

^ LMFAO! "Nobody wants their private sh*t to come out....." oh word, doggy? Well, ladies and gentleman and to all the smart a** doggies who are gonna hit the comments just to say I'm late as h*ll on this, f*ck y'all in advance and y'all can thank me NOW....I present to you Banks' ex-b*tch, Yari Sanchez:

"I'm gonna be a b*tch because there was a motherf*cker. Lloyd Banks. We were together for 10 months so he smashed it. I don't want to put it all out there but I just want to say when I was dealing with him, I was not tainted, I did not go through too many men and it was very good. And he just didn't take advantage of that, so. He was talking all that one and only [bullsh*t, says Bulldog Butteworth], he was talking it all up in my ear. I didn't want a ring, I just wanted honesty. I just wanted him to keep it real. I don't like guys that don't keep it real. Say what it is from the start. You don't gotta gas me, you don't gotta sell dreams, you just gotta say what it is up front because if it's a friendship I can respect because we're grown. F*ck him. I said F*CK HIM. He's the only one, because we're talking industry guys, he was the only one that I really, really liked, the only one that I dealt with to that extreme and he broke my heart. I was not in love. After the 'Beamer, Benz or Bentley' video shoot, I was at home with him."

Now, saving y'all the agony (and f*ck all y'all doggies that are skipping this line to look at the t*tty and a** shots or jumping right into Mrs. Butterworth!!!) of a long-a** commentary, let's just keep sh*t clear. To all women, nah, real b*tches out there, why the h*ll would you ever go to this extreme? F*ck if you're famous or not, keep sh*t in the closet and never let things out the bag. And Yari, your a** is stupid as h*ll for thinking that a doggy that calls himself Blue Hefner after Hugh Hefner is going to remain loyal to your big, juicy, tender, delicious.............ego. F*ck that. Banks, your boss is a f*cking idiot but since you got off that Canadian case, I say keep doing your sh*t doggy and don't sweat the b*tches.

Yari SanchezLloyd Banks

Yari SanchezLloyd Banks

Yari SanchezLloyd Banks

Yari SanchezLloyd Banks

4. Mrs. Butterworth: Maria Milian

LMFAO. Now if only Maria had a connection with Christina, but the way Dream's ex-wife is looking these days, their a**es may be long-lost siblings. LMFAO. J/K. Aight doggies, the moment you all have been waiting for, I present to y'all this week's Mrs. Butterworth, Maria Milian.

Maria MilianMaria Milian

Maria MilianMaria Milian

Maria MilianMaria Milian

Still not satisfied doggies? Hear the legend herself:

^ A little salsa in a doggie's dog chow never hurt anybody. So before you start your blood clot crying over her a**-less shots, appreciate some variety in your lives, doggies. Shorty could butter this bulldog up ANYDAY...........once my girl leaves me. LMFAO.

5. "STFU" Honors

LMFAO. I know I say this sh*t every week, doggies, but this week is definitely the TOP SHUT THE F*CK UP HONORS we have seen thus far! LMFAO! We get a doctor seeing stars, LITERALLY, a unit full of gorillas rolling like G.I. Joe in Africa, a dirty rapper discovering the fountain of youth, a little pup still talking cyber sh*t and a played out game. SMFH. Welcome doggies, y'all already know what it is.....

1. Dr. Dre

Dr. Dreastronaut-300x300.jpg

"Oh yeah, that's in the works," he said when asked about making an instrumental LP. "An instrumental album is something I've been wanting to do for a long time. I have the ideas for it. I want to call it The Planets. I don't even know if I should be saying this, but f*ck it. [Laughs.] It's just my interpretation of what each planet sounds like. I'm gonna go off on that. Just all instrumental. I've been studying the planets and learning the personalities of each planet. I've been doing this for about two years now just in my spare time so to speak. I wanna do it in surround sound. It'll have to be in surround sound for Saturn to work."

2. Tony Yayo

Tony Yayoarmy-tank-300x300.jpg

"Ain't nothing realer than Africa man," Yayo said recalling the time he helped get 50 Cent's chain back after a fan snatched it during a 2008 performance. "If you ain't been to Africa, go, you'll realize it's the experience of your life...We had bulletproof trucks, bulletproof vans, we had a tank with AK-47's. You can ask [Lloyd] Banks. We had 14 soldiers with AK-47's. They said if we didn't leave with the tank, we weren't gonna make it out -- 50's crazy. Banks is crazy too. They kidnap you and they'll kidnap you in Angola too. In Brazil, they'll block the road off. They make they own laws."

3. Bun B

Bun BJay-Z

"I don't know, because my solo career is still dawning," he explained. "I look at the [LL] Cool J's out there and the Hov's, and they got the 10-albums-and-running type of situation. And people like Short Dog, who I think is on album 20 by now. So as a solo artist, I'm still kind of young in this game, but I have made some major steps. So maybe we'll call me a late prodigy on the solo side. But we had some good moments."

4. Bow Wow

Bow WowTwitter

"For me, you know, I'm an entertainer, I think I can get away with a lot, because I'm an actor too and I think a lot of people, they don't think that," Bow Wow explained in an interview. "They just think music first when they see me, which is understandable, but I'm also an actor, so sometimes I say things out of just acting mode...I don't care, I don't take it back. If I say it, I say it. It is what it is --'cause if it was hurting me, I would lose followers. I just gain like another hundred thousand, so I'm on my way to a million followers on Twitter right now. I'm at half a million right now and counting, so no, it hasn't hurt me yet."

5. The Game

GameBlogger

My last album did like 270,000 the first week and it really had no buzz and it wasn't pushed and we just threw it out. And 'My Life' is what carried it over to platinum. I don't want that to happen with this album. I think that if I threw my album out tomorrow, I got 300,000 fans that'll go get my album first week. And that's not shabby during this day and age. But I really wanna push for gold and try to top The Documentary's numbers. (Yes doggies, this motherf*cker gets the ENTIRE quote highlighted!!!! SMFH!!!!!)

***LMFAO!!!!!!!!!! D*mn doggies, thanks for f*cking with the doggy once again. Accept my apology while y'all can b/c by the time you hit the comments, I'll probably take the sh*t back. LMFAO. Anyway, crazy f*cking week if y'all ask me. Ironically, turns out it was a G-Unit edition to Pulse Report for the most part. Sh*t, 5-0 made a post, Banks made a post, Buck made a post, and Yayo and Game even ended up getting posts in "STFU" Honors, d*mn. Aight doggies, y'all know it's hot as h*ll outside, time to hop back in the tub and pretend I'm on a beach with Yari Sanchez and Maria Milian fighting for the doggy's bone. LOL. Enjoy the weekend doggies. -BB***

[Editor's Note: The views expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect those of SOHH]

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