Pulse Report: Rick Ross Upsets The Mob, Kanye West's Jump-Off Has Got Some D's, LeBron James Is Worse Than Swine Flu

Friday, Jul 23, 2010 11:55AM

Written by Bulldog Butterworth

In this week's Pulse Report, doggies, we're gonna take that a** back seven days and find out why Rick Ross is the motherf*cking "Boss 4 Life," lick our lips at Kanye West's new b*tch, listen to all the b*tching and moaning over LeBron James and oh SOHH much more!

[Editor's Note: The views of this column do not necessarily reflect those of SOHH.com]

1. The Usual Suspect

SMFH. When will all of y'all doggies just bow the f*ck down and pay homage to me calling Rick Ross the biggest f*cking star in rap besides Eminem, Jay-Z, Kanye West and a few other select few. THAT'S IT! Sh*t, Ross' buzz is getting hotter than Diddy's at this point, better watch out doggies, all that sh*t talk you gave to Officer Ricky these past few months might just come around and bite you. LMFAO. But y'all want to know what the most funny sh*t is that I came across this past week. SMFH. John Gotti's mobster a** wannabe grandson giving Ross even MORE promotion. Y'all read this sh*t?

"He should have asked for permission. A standup, respectable guy would come and ask 'If I could use the nickname,'" Agnello, who is trying to launch a music career under the name Carmine Gotti, said of Ross. "I think he's a great artist, but you can't just start calling yourself that to sell records ...He wants to go for that whole image, but hey, be yourself. Only in America can you go from being a corrections officer to calling yourself Teflon Don."

LMFAO!!! What a dumb a**. Hey wise guy (no pun intended), why are you JUST NOW poppin' this sh*t out of your mouth when he's been promoting this for over a year? LMFAO. D*mn, y'all could tell this Good Fella mark decided to hit up every newspaper he could just to get a quote published AFTER Ross' album drops. LMFAO. Is this anything new, too? I mean, sh*t, he's been using mob-associations and titles on a lot of his music for the past few years. Didn't Ross even say his name was originally Teflon Don last year when he was trying to break into the rap game? LMFAO. But f*ck all that, if y'all still aren't convinced Ross is the biggest thing in rap right now, then y'all are still bullsh*ttin' yourselves:

Eminem's four-play may well be about to end. The hip-hop superstar's four straight weeks at #1 with his Shady/Aftermath/ Interscope album Recovery is being threatened this week by Def Jam/IDJ Miami rapper Rick Ross, whose Teflon Don is on target to do between 170-180k in sales. With placement in Target and Best Buy circulars, Eminem's Recovery, off just 15% this week, is in the early lead, but the outcome is still very much in doubt.

^ Now let's be clear. If and WHEN Ross out-sells Eminem and earns that NUMBER ONE SPOT on top of SoundScan, how many doggies are going to be riding that wave? LOL. And let's do the math, even after the corrections officer sh*t popped off and that beef with 5-0, he STILL debuted at No. 1 with Deeper Than Rap. SMFH. Let's not bullsh*t though, his Triple C's sh*t fell the f*ck off and barely got picked up on that SoundScan but d*mn, with everything that "ROZAY" has been doing these past few months, who the f*ck can hate on him. This is the ultimate 180 degree move, from doggies saying his a** was done like Afamega for some C.O. sh*t and then he goes off to get the biggest co-signs in rap. T.I. f*cks with him. Drake f*cks with him. Young Jeezy f*cks with him. Lil Wayne f*cks with him. Jay-Z f*cks with him. Kanye West f*cks with him. Diddy f*cks with him. Hate it or love it doggies, it all boils down to co-signs in this rap sh*t. If enough people THINK you're hot, f*ck it, you're HOT. But if these doggies see all you want to do is diss and say wild sh*t then d*mn, your career might get shelved like straight-to-dvds. LOL. Oh yeah, how could I forget, f*cking FLOYD MAYWEATHER, JR. f*cks with him too. In other words, let's pay a tribute to a throwback "STFU" moment:

50 CentRick Ross

"Triple Cs is next," Fif promised. "And then Rick Ross is going to follow that failure. Def Jam dumped a whole lot of marketing dollars into trying combat me with Rick Ross. More money than they should have. What his numbers were versus what Jadakiss did, didn't make financial sense. So the next go-around, they're going to give him his fair share instead that extra piece of pie. Then you're going to see where he really is."

^ Yeah 5-0, "Ross is going to follow that failure....." looks like his brand is WAY hotter than yours, doggy. But f*ck it, you got five days to prove me wrong, but once SoundScan hits, 5-0 gets AIRED THE F*CK OUT!!!

2. F*ck The Police

LMFAO!!! How the f*ck did Ice-T end up on f*cking SOHH!?!?!?! LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh sh*t, I thought when I saw the headline that "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" got nixed or some sh*t, turns out, a cop arrested a fake cop that used to rap about killing cops!?!?!?!?! LMFAO!!!!! D*mn doggies, y'all got pretty much excuse this post b/c this sh*t is just f*cking funny to me, someone who was riding with Soulja Boy Tell Em when he was airing the h*ll outta Ice-Ice-Baby's punk a** back in 2008. LMFAO. Anyway, long story short, or so it seems, Ice-T was taking his puppy to get a Scooby Snack at the veterinary and he was caught riding dirty?

Ice THandcuffs

Ice-T was arrested this morning in N.Y.C. for allegedly driving with a suspended license and not having up-to-date insurance, a police representative confirms to EW. The rapper-actor's arrest was first reported by TMZ, which said he was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt; the NYPD declined to provide EW any further details on the circumstances of his arrest. He has yet to be charged.

^ LMFAO!!!!! Oh sh*t, a suspended license? D*mn, Ice, you on some funny sh*t these days, huh? LOL. Turns out though, he really got busted because some Reno 911! cop saw him not rocking braids and a seatbelt. LOL. WTF?

"Some punk b*tch rookie cop named Fisher #10026 Made the arrest of his bullsh*t career today. Arresting the Notorious Ice T for no seatbelt.."
"He said "I know who you are and I don't give a f*ck!" That was right after I called him a punk b*tch.. Then they questioned me about FLTG."

Y'all thought that was bad, this doggy even has his b*tch or is it wife, anyway, CoCo comes to the rescue and says her little bit. SMFH.

Coco & Ice-THandcuffs

"Yes,Ice was arrested this morning but we don't know what the hell for!He's been released..We got pulled over for not wearing seatbelts."
"I believe when the cop saw Ice he immediately had a hard-on for him & he wanted 2 take him in for something,anything!He was released already"

Am I missing something, doggies? Did she say "..we got pulled over for not wearing seatbelts," as in her fine a** got to lay back while Ice-T had to get tossed into central booking? LMFAO. Oh sh*t. I'm not even going to bother covering this anymore. Note, doggies, Ice-T is NEVER showing back up in here unless his a** is featured in "STFU Honors."

^ LMFAO!!! Is that you Icey Icey??? LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!

3. Anywhere But Here

What the f*ck is everyone complaining about with LeBron James? SMFH. I really hate to bring up sports in Pulse Report, but this LeBron sh*t has gone beyond your everyday f*ckery. I can understand some RAPPERS hating the fact that he went down to Miami and not somewhere like windy and cold a** Chicago or even to the cursed New York Knicks, but come the f*ck on, y'all hating on the doggy for trying to steal a championship? Especially from wack a** Ice Cube talking like he wasn't a LA Clippers fan back in the day. F*ck outta here doggy!

Ice CubeLeBron James

"Kurupt is one of my favorite MC's. He's got complicated metaphors that's still gangsta," Cube wrote on Thursday (July 15). "15 minutes after he left the room in came Snoop. We talked about the Lakers kickin' the Celtics a** in the Finals. We laughed about LeBron joining The Heat. It won't work, Lakers are still the team to beat."

^ LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, just for the record doggies, Ice Cube clearly made his own a** sound stupid as sh*t. Beating the Celtics' a**, Game Cube? LMFAO! That's why the Celtics took y'all to Game 7 and had the game won to the final minutes, shut your punk a** up and stop hating b/c LeBron and company are winning that sh*t in 2011! LMFAO! Jealous a** poser! Gotta give props for probably the biggest sports educated rapper, hate it or not, f*cking Lil Wayne for actually saying some intelligent sh*t:

Lil WayneLeBron-James-Drake-2010-02-24-300x300.jpg

"Oh Lebron! The recent move by the Miami Heat confirms that we will someday soon have that good ole basketball back with all due respect to the Lakers-Celtics 7 game series. This move reminds me of the days when it was Johnson, Worthy, andJabbar vs. Bird, Parrish, and McHale, or Thomas, Dumars, and Lambeer. Well now we have Bryant, Gasol, Bynum, andPierce, Allen, Garnett, and ultimately, Wade, bosh, and James! Do expect this to become "protocol" to win an NBA title. As for many more teams have and will be stacking their rosters with stars. I believe that this Miami team will be explosive as intended. Anything less than an NBA championship title will be uncivilized. 72-10 anybody?"

^ Just for the non-educated Pulse Report readers in here just to look at Shay's big a** t*tties hoping that Bulldog Butters has a couple photos they HAVEN'T already seen on Bossip, Necole Bitchie and those fake pr0n sites, Weezy's 72-10 is referencing Michael Jordan and those mid-1990's Chicago Bulls that have the best record ever in NBA history. Whether y'all f*ck with him or not, one thing is for certain, the f*cking SPOOFS were funny and ARE FUNNY as h*ll! Hop on the F*CK LEBRON or GO MIAMI bandwagon when you're ready doggies. LOL.

4. Mrs. Butterworth: Shay The UK Bombshell

WTF? Is Kanye West really tearing this sh*t up? LMFAO!!! Oh sh*t, turns out that her cans are actually REAL and they're not D's or F's or G's...they're motherf*cking JJ's!!!! WTF!?!?!?! SMFH. D*mn, she looks mighty familiar but f*ck it, respect Kanye West for sticking with the bad b*tches these days. D*mn, d*mn, d*mmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnn. If he was licking Amber Rose's head, wonder what he's...............:

Kanye West & ShayShay

ShayShay

ShayShay

^ SMFH.............snagged this sh*t from The Source, here's some info on this hot a** Mrs. Butterworth:

Introducing Kanye West's supposed new eye candy, Shay; a model from the U.K. She's a mix of Italian, Kenyan, Portuguese and Arabian nationality. The British bombshell's claim to fame is her measurements of 30 JJ-26-38, which she claims are all natural. Time will tell if Ye' is officially done with Amber Rose and on to the next one with Shay for now let the gossip begin.

Now be sure to watch this to the END, doggies, thank me later. LOL.

5. "STFU" Honors

D*mn doggies, I don't even know where to start. From Ex-Roc Heads thinking that there was some conspiracy to boot them the h*ll from the top to late a** co-signs of a barely entertaining rapper going to the movies when she's a bad enough music video emcee to some doggy really thinking his a** could play a president when he can't even understand his OWN president. LOL. Yeah doggies, "Shut The F*ck Up" Honors time......

Dame Dash

Dame DashJay-Z

"The people that I was helping, once they realized their dreams, they did what a criminal would do," Dash continues. "They stabbed you in the back. Think about the frustration of building a brand for years that should be taking care of your family, and then the person that was the closest to you saying, 'Nah, you can't have no parts of it,' and flushing it."

Busta Rhymes

Busta RhymesNicki Minaj

"I probably think the one thing she need to do that she ain't did yet was show up in a couple of these movies...and it's a wrap. She get a couple of these movies and steal the scenes that she's in the same way she do it on these records, she going to put the nail in the coffin with that."

Ke$ha

KeshaRihanna

"We have slumber parties and pillow fights and we braid each other's hair a lot," Ke$ha laughed. "We talk about boys, naked...Touring with Rihanna is incredible, you should come see it. It's really fun. I've been out with her for about two weeks now, and I just learn so much from her as a performer," she said. "She has one of the best voices of anyone I've ever seen live, and I kind of just take it as my opportunity to hype up thousands of people."

Drake

Drake & Nicki MinajBarack Obama

"I hope somebody makes a movie about Obama's life soon because I could play him. That's the goal [laughs]. I watch all the addresses. Anytime I see him on TV, I don't change the channel, I definitely pay attention and listen to the inflections of his voice. If you ask anyone who knows me, I'm pretty good at impressions. Slowly but surely, I'm not in the study mode because nobody's called me about anything, but I just pay attention so when the day comes I'm not scrambling to learn how to speak like him. I want to be involved in great film projects. I don't want to do thebasketball movie that everyone does. I don't want to do the typical black film that everyone expects. I think that I have enough experience to actually be involved in a real meaty project full of substance."

5-0 Cent

50 Cent50 Cent & Beanie Sigel

"I don't have...issues with people until they say things that make me feel like they want a problem," said the Queens rapper. "Point to one situation that I've been in, one altercation where I was competing with another artist that I've started...Ain't that hip-hop? There's always been battling. It's always been a part of the culture. In the future, because I've been kind of captured as the actual bad guy on some level because they watch me compete and win and it feels like it was effortless, I will [make] a point to not even respond. I'l just look and watch people when they say things."

***LMFAO! WTF, doggies? Y'all believe this summer is d*mn near over already? Well, technically the sh*t doesn't stop until September 21st, but f*ck, we're going into our last week of July? SMFH. Y'all better be poppin' the tops off some nice girls and sodas in this hot a** humid weather. Anyway, I got a Cap Diss crown bet that says Rick Ross outsells Eminem when those numbers come in next week and when it DOES happen, DON'T blame f*cking Def Jam for buying his albums. Sh*t, y'all should know by now that Ross has actually branded himself, f*cking "Rozay?" This doggy is a marketing genius off that sh*t by itself. F*ck it, Em's sh*t is aight but Ross definitely is serving up a poo poo platter 'til we get our hands on that Kanye West album and then the T.I. sh*t. Til then doggies, I'm heading back into the cold a** tub to cool off. F*ck w/ y'all in the comments. -BB***

[Editor's Note: The views expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect those of SOHH]

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