Pulse Report: Dame Dash Considers Hiring Jay-Z, Gloria Velez Rips Nicki Minaj, Drake's Album Cover Is "Avatar" Bad

Friday, May 7, 2010 12:00PM

Written by Bulldog Butterworth

In this week's Pulse Report, we peel back the past seven days and re-cap why Dame Dash is considering putting Jay-Z back on the payroll, laugh at Gloria Velez busting a raunchy freestyle diss at Nicki Minaj, stare in *blankness* at Drake's wack a** long-awaited album cover, try to figure out what the f*ck is happening at Bad Boy Records and oh SOHH much more!

[Editor's Note: The views of this column do not necessarily reflect those of SOHH.com]

1. Rebirth

D*mn, does anyone miss the old Roc-A-Fella days or even putting the hands together to form a diamond? Yeah, we all still f*ck around and say, "It's the ROC!" when Jay-Z is on the big screen or rocking that Hot 97 Summer Jam stage, but the essence of what it was to have that "R" to your name, y'all doggies remember them days? The days when we thought State Property was a horrible a** movie but copped them Street Wars mixtapes b/c Freeway, Peedi Crakk, Beanie Sigel and them were spitting hot a** bars at those LOX boys? Y'all doggies remember them days? Well, good riddance b/c those days are out the f*cking window and here we have....the f*cking rebirth of Roc-A-Fella? From f*cking bald a** Mr. Monopoly Dame Dash? LMFAO!!! Oh sh*t, is this clown serious?

"[Curren$y] inspired me to dust off the chains. We brought 'em out for kicks, just 'cause we could. Then we was like, 'F--- it, let's put it out through Roc-A-Fella.' It was really more something he wanted to do....Def Jam or Universal bought the brand. I think the 'beef' [with us and Jay-Z] was that Jay made it clear he didn't want me or Biggs to be a part of it. That's really where it was at. Now that he doesn't work for Def Jam anymore, he doesn't have the right to use the name. So there's no reason for us not to use it. It's there, and it's a brand that's not being used..."

^ LMFAO!!!! Oh sh*t!!! Does this doggy really think it's that simple, like he can just start tagging Roc-A-Fella on sh*t just because? And last I checked, Jadakiss pushed his sh*t out through The ROC, Dame Dummy. LOL. I won't even bother to make this posting as long as it SHOULD be b/c if that's the case, then we'd get a sh*t storm of laughs just watching MTV ask doggy if he would sign Cam'ron/Jim Jones/Diplomats to "THE ROC" and all these other ?'s like he's really the big co-CEO again. Get the f*ck outta here! But even though he's living on d*mn near welfare Fantasy Island, I couldn't resist reading the sh*t he popped off about re-linking with Jay. SMFH. D*mn doggy.

Dame Dash & Jay-Z (Roc-A-Fella)Dame Dash & Jay-Z

"If Jay wanna come through and do something, he can come holla at me," Dash said in an interview. "I ain't got no beefs with Jay. Just off the strength that it's Roc-A-Fella, I could never tell Jay he can't be a part of something he helped create...If I walked away from Roc-A-Fella, then that would be different. But the option should always be there. So the option is there for him. He helped build that. And I don't hold grudges. I think one of the most important things in evolving is forgiveness. If he did something wrong or if I did something wrong, we'd have to forgive each other, or we'd still be children."

Honestly doggies, let me be straight to the point. Who the f*ck does Dame really think he's talking to or about? Like, this sh*t really bugs me out. Dame Dash, Jaz-O, Beanie Sigel, Peedi Crakk, etc. They act like they're still ducking from cops and running in and out of barbershops. SMFH. Jay ain't thinking about y'all doggies, sh*t, his a** is too busy trying to figure out if LeBron James is gonna come and help his struggling a** New Jersey Nets let alone consider working with your bummy a** "Roc-A-Fella Records" that just so happened to be waiting for you like Tony Starks' f*cking Iron Man suit. SMFH. I know y'all think I bullsh*t a lot on here, but can y'all at least understand how much of an idiot this doggy is making himself out to be? He's broke, can't sell a d*mn record, chose to go to Broadway with Jim Jones, FAIL and is re-lighting his 15 minutes of fame once again because he's in make-believe land. SMFH. Add him to the list, y'all. SMFH.

2. Gloria's Warrior

D*mn!!!!! Oh sh*t!!!!!! For any of my FaceBook friends, y'all know there are two things in this world I love the most. B*tches and sexy a** b*tches, and we ain't talking doggies, either, doggies. When I saw the blogs talking about hot a** Gloria Velez dissing Nicki Minaj in an interview, I said, "Who gives a sh*t?" but then when we get her putting up the microphone and doing some decent bullsh*t rhymes that FINALLY go after Minaj on a real hood b*tch level, d*mn. Y'all already know or should have known this would be a big a** (no pun intended) feature on Pulse Report. But to anyone unfamiliar with Joe Budden's ex-jump-off, let's do a quick history lesson.

Gloria-Velez-2010-05-06-300x300.jpgGloria Velez

Gloria Velez was born on the 18th of December 1978 in Long Island, New York, USA and is a popular bikini model, dancer, hip hop and R&B artist and actress. Ever since she wanted to become a model and in order to achieve her dream she had attended the John Casablancas modeling school. After this she signed a contract with Elite Modeling Agency. She appeared in a series of videos called Luke's Freakshow and went on tours with *NSYNC and Sisqo.

Aight, enough of the history sh*t, let's jump right into why this big t*tty b*tch went after the 5-Star B*tch.

"She's a good gimmick, like she has the right team behind her. That's it, because if anybody else put her out or she was by herself, it would not pop off at all ... no matter how much plastic surgery or no matter how much injections in the butt. It's not gonna happen. It's a gimmick...Nah, I don't like her music. Sorry."

^ LMFAO! D*mn, I mean, I sh*t on rapper/b*tch-a**-rappers all the time, but for an interview's sake, Velez really put the White Castle morning-after sh*t all over Minaj just on the interview alone. I get what she means by being a gimmick, but what the f*ck? Who in rap ain't a gimmick at this point? Guess we should have known from the get that the interview would actually lead-in to this sh*t:

"I'm in a six-speed drop and I'm sick with the clutch / I'm bout to go in on this bitch like a d*** in her guts / Come on Nicki? Is you licking or what? / How many silicone shots you gonna stick in your butt?" Velez opens the freestyle with. She goes on to throw several jabs at Minaj, poking fun at her alleged plastic surgeryenhancements, comparing her flow to a rapper with Tourette's syndrome, and even accuses her of providing sexual favors to land a record deal. "It's Glo, Murda Mami, strapped up, emergency / I wasn't gonna do it, but bitch you keep urging me / You better run and use extreme urgency / brain f***ed up, too much plastic surgery," Velez spits. "No matter how many times you bat your eye lashes / It ain't gonna take away from the fact that you trash-ess," she later raps, before adding: "Remember you came out a Lil Kim clone? / then you started sounding like you got Tourette's syndrome."

................d*mn, rapping was horrible but what she actually was spitting kinda f*cked up Minaj overall. F*ck all this sh*t about her having a** pads, Glo went RIGHT in and called out those butt injections and even all the things that make her a** phonier than Dame Dash saying he owns Roc-A-Fella Records right now. LOL. F*ck outta here. Even though some of y'all won't say this counts, I think Nicki took the punk a** way out with a polite response:

"Jealousy is a disease. Die Slow."

SMFH.....b*tch a** beef out the door, who are y'all f*cking with on this?

Nicki MinajGloria-Velezz-2010-05-06-300x300.jpg

3. LMFAO

Y'all doggies ever get so anxious about something and even though more and more hints and signs suggest we should let our hopes down, the sh*t finally comes through and is an even bigger bust than we could have ever imagined? I'm talking about really wanting something and KNOWING that the sh*t was gonna take-off, like when they had Laser Discs back in the 1980s or even some of y'all who copped the Sega Dreamcast back in 1999/2000, KNOWING that Sega has never created a machine lasting a substantial test of time before folding. Y'all know and understand what I'm getting at? Well, doggies, I now introduce you to Drake's Thank Me Later album cover.

Drake (Thank Me Later)3D Glasses.jpg

No doggies, this ain't no Avatar sequel poster, this "is" the cover to Drake's new album. Nah, f*ck that, his DEBUT album. As much as some of y'all are gonna think I'm wrong, I bet y'all I can show off four BETTER albums we've seen this past year that make this Canadian Bacon's post-"Degrassi" debut look busted as sh*t. I introduce to y'all:

Ice Cube (I Am The West)B.o.B. (Album Cover)

Ludacris (Battle of The Sexes Album Cover)Freeway & Beanie Sigel (Album Cover)

Yes, looking at all these past covers it's easy to tell how f*cking bad Drake's album cover is. Sh*t, I even read that when you look at the "entire" packaging that it will all suddenly make sense...booooooohaaaaaaaaaa. LMFAO. Is this really what we have come down to? Coming up with some puzzle, fuzzy-looking album cover to trick people into wanting to see the inside? Sh*t, if that was the case then rappers should just put a f*cking Sudoku puzzle in each insert. SMFH. I give up, his singles are garbage at best, he thinks we're impressed because he can sing and rap on one song. SMFH. As much as I try to resist using this clown as an example, 5-0 Cent has even pulled that off on his albums, so what are we so impressed with by Drake? SMFH. June 15th, who really gives a f*ck at this point? Oh yeah, B.o.B. sold 80,0000 copies, right? AND debuted at number one? LMFAO. With the sh*t load of promo Drake has gotten compared to Bobby Ray, y'all Young Money fans better really go out and support because anything LESS THAN 150-200K is getting f*cking blasted on in Pulse Report, believe me on that.

4. Good Girl, Bad Boy

Doggies, what the f*ck is going on at Bad Boy Records? Seriously, is this the biggest week of f*ckery we've seen to this point? Is Diddy smoking that green sh*t? Is Rick Ross actually telling a f*cking lie? Did Red Cafe lie to us about being signed to BB for the past year? SMFH. Let's go over the main sh*t first. Diddy ain't managing Ricky Rossy? Guess he didn't want to speak to the "Boss."

"For the record, as I said before, don't believe the rumors," Diddy said on a UStream broadcast. "I have not made no announcement yet, don't believe no rumors about anything y'all hear. me and Nick, we just cool. I like her style. Rick Ross, he's my brother. There's no management announcements or none of that. So everybody, worry about what you're worrying about. It's all right for people to know each other and have an admiration towards each other and maybe pick each other's brains for advice. I will be making an announcement in a couple of weeks on some things. But right now, everybody let's chill out and be cool and stay focused on being positive..."

D*mn, guess Puffy is still watching over Nicki Minaj's a**, but just not her career, huh? SMFH. Let's be clear though, didn't Rossy say Puff was his manager a few weeks ago? SMFH. Guess we really never hear the whole story when it comes to rap but even more of a f*ckery mind trick is that Red Cafe is JUST NOW signing to Bad Boy Records? LMFAO. Oh sh*t, the f*ck boy games we all gotta fall victim to. Let's applaud this press release announcement.

DiddyRed Cafe

"Today, I can officially announce the signing of Red Cafe to the Bad Boy/Interscope family. Red's lyrical skill and passion is unique," says Sean "Diddy" Combs. "Red's raw talent brings a new sound and fresh perspective from the streets. I look forward to him sharing his talent with the world."

Diddy & Rick RossDiddy & Red Cafe

So guess it looks like Rossy is out and Cafe is in, sort of speak, right? Yeah, I know we're all thinking this is all some bulsh*t and who gives a f*ck but where was the miscommunication? Is Black Rob snitching and making up fake sh*t? LOL. Who knows, who cares, since Biggie died and Shyne turned into Shine, I stopped f*cking with the BB. Be honest, what's the last Bad Boy album y'all bought? F*ck it, what's the last Bad Boy album you illegally downloaded??? LOL.

5. "STFU" Honors

Yes doggies, the best part of Pulse Report has returned once again as we fall victim to a bogus a** Pusha T attempt to make us think he has some sh*t to tell us by himself, admire Drake for plotting a conspiracy with Lil Wayne, wonder what BET executive Black Rob had to rough up to get an interview, find out who is supplying Bangladesh's weed stash b/c he is on something and ask Fat Joe why he can make "smash hits" but has yet to smash record sales in the luxurious "Shut The F*ck Up" Honors section.

1. Pusha T

ClipseClipse

"But it only makes sense for us to do solo projects and build a catalog with solo records by ourselves...I think I've grown with every Clipse album, but there's an emotional side of Pusha that people need to see."

2. Drake

DrakeLil Wayne

"I've talked to Wayne since he's been in jail. In my opinion, he didn't do anything wrong. I think that was the opportunity to make an example of somebody who didn't deserve to be made an example out of."

3. Black Rob

Black RobDiddy

"If you tell me you love me, you tell me you my man, then I'ma take that, I'ma run with that. You feel me? So when something happens to me and you turn your back on me regardless of the situation, regardless of what we're going through. I don't appreciate that, I don't respect that......When the album's getting ready to come out, I'm either in jail or somewhere I'm not supposed to be."

4. Bangladesh

BangladeshBaby

"Wayne is not getting money. He is given money, he's not getting money. If Baby gets a million dollars he'll buy Wayne a Phantom, but that's in Cash Money's name. That 14-bedroom mansion isn't Wayne sh*t. That's why he have his own company, because he was trying to leave Cash Money and the only thing that would keep him there was [if they] gave him his own thing. But Baby still controls that. All those Young Money artists don't even know that they not getting royalty money."

5. Fat Joe

Fat JoeFat Joe

"I love hip-hop music, there's really nothing I can't do as far as musically. I'm in the studio so much that I know how to make all types of music. I could make you a Dirty South smash hit right now. I can make you a New York banger to the highest level. I could make you a West Coast, girl song, whatever. I can do it all."

***LMFAO!!! D*mn doggies, I'm still tripping off this week's Caption Diss. I'ma give y'all a few more hours and then I'm going all the way the f*ck in with some Cap Disses. Some of y'all are kinda funny, but until I'm dethroned, kiss the rings, doggies! Oh yeah, on the sneak tip, y'all might want to stick around come Sunday, Bulldog is gonna have something real special for y'all. Can't spill the beans since @sohhdotcom agreed to my request, but y'all will see soon enough. ---BB***

[Editor's Note: The views expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect those of SOHH]

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