Pulse Report: 50 Cent Shows Crackhead Symptoms, Lil Kim Brings Her Head To Roc Nation, Nas' Flopped Album Flops

Friday, May 28, 2010 11:15AM

Written by Bulldog Butterworth

In this week's Pulse Report, doggies, we kick it back seven days to LMFAO @ 5-0 Cent for putting his a** in Tyrone Biggums-shape for a straight-to-DVD flick, lick our lips at Lil Kim bringing her head to Roc Nation, see why Nas' flopped album was long-expected and oh SOHH much more!

[Editor's Note: The views of this column do not necessarily reflect those of SOHH.com]

1. Power Of A Dollar

Before I Self Destruct on 5-0 Cent's wack a**, let me just take a minute or two to give a quick shout-out. F*cking THANK-Y'ALL for f*cking around with Mr. Bulldog Butterworth since last October b/c with Pulse Report officially making it into @sohhdotcom's Stories You Loved section every week, it shows that my mission to get some dope a** dialogue going on has paid off. Yeah, sometimes we do Charles Hamilton-bogus a** numbers in the comments section, but f*ck it, this sh*t is for every rap head that is tired of the wack a** co-signs every rapper gives, all the bloggers that make their $$$ by putting up RAPPERS' free music and say the sh*t is dope when it's horrible as f*ck and to all the f*ckery we see every minute in rap and are SOHH politically bounded that we can't speak up and say sh*t is bad. Commenters, readers, doggies, I write this sh*t to get a check, yeah, but to also make a lane for all of us who got bamboozled into thinking Drake would go independent to sell a million but sold his soul to the devil to join Universal, to all of us that get tired of accepting the fact that one rapper does 105 interviews and says the same sh*t to each site and to all of us that just want to be critical as f*ck and stand by our word, right or wrong. SOHH to all of y'all still f*cking with Bulldog, whether y'all want me fired or want me to keep doing this sh*t, I'm going hard, f*ck it.

NOW to 5-0 Cent. LMFAO!!!! This sh*t is some of the most funny material that I have ever come across. LOL. Not only has 5-0 Cent tried to get his acting on by doing some movie about a football player trying to make it into the league and then gets diagnosed with cancer, but his a** is really training like he's gonna go up for an OSCAR AWARD!!! LMFAO!!!!! Come the f*ck on, really? Is this really what he's gone down to? Cancer is not anything to f*ck around with and I'm not trying to poke fun at anyone who suffered through it, but the f*ckery that 5-0 Cent is doing to get attention? SMFH:

50 Cent (Shockingly Skinny)50-Cent-Very-Skinny-2010-05-27-300x300.jpg

50 Cent lost a lot of weight for his upcoming movie "Things Fall Apart". In the movie 50 Cent plays a football player diagnosed with cancer. He dropped from 214 pounds to an astonishing 160 with a liquid diet and three-hour-a-day treadmill walks for nine weeks. "I was starving." Now he's back on tour and says, "I've been eating. I'll be back in shape in no time!"

^ SMFH. D*mn, the fact that he is using that pathetic a** facial expression shows you he's just trying to sell himself. It's bad enough 5-0 can't act AT ALL, but now to resort to this bogus a** sh*t? It's d*mn there obvious what his whole plan was. He thought he'd do something drastic to get people to respect him, artistically, so he puts himself through this and surely enough, every website is talking about him. Congrats @5-0Cent, that sh*t worked wonders. It's really not that bad of an idea when you consider this, ALL his movies have gone into the sh*tter aka straight-to-DVD with the exception of Righteous Kill which officially ended Al Pacino and Robert De Niro's movie careers, so what better way than to get people to want to see this Things Fall Apart DVD than to put up some controversy around it, right? POOF! There you have it, 5-0 does this weight loss, gives USWeekly an exclusive look at him and then he's popular again. Here's his "excuse" for losing the weight:

"It's about a Heisman hopeful who could possibly be going to the league and everyone is assuming he's gonna make it and then he's hit with an illness," 50 explained in an interview. "I had a friend of mine who actually experienced cancer and it's what motivated me to write this screenplay. You don't have to make everything personal, but that project was. That's why I committed to playing a role where I lost 54 pounds. I had to discipline myself enough until I achieved it but... I got it."

SMFH. Not too much more to say about this, but maybe we can try to figure out who 5-0 could use for stunt doubles in his new DVD and they all have better acting skills too! LOL.


BONUS: 5-0 Cent's Straight-To-DVD Collection! Available @ All K-Mart Clearance Sections!!!

Before I Self Destruct

Streets of Blood

Dead Man Running

Caught In The Crossfire

2. Sex Nation

The sad sh*t about rap these days is back in the 1990's, I used to want to f*ck Lil Kim. No bullsh*t, she was like one of those rap b*tches that you didn't want to wife, but just have as the f*ck buddy, pretty much how she made her career with Notorious B.I.G, being a down a** chick but still not someone you would take home to mama. Now with all that said, WTF is Jay-Z thinking?!?!!?! SMFH. Signing Lil Kim to Roc Nation is like putting Lil Mama on the cover of KING Magazine, some sh*t just ain't gonna pop off....EVER. SMFH.

Lil Kim on Dancing with the StarsScott Storch & Lil Kim

Brooklyn's female rapper and actress Lil Kim has officially signed a record deal with Jay-Z label Roc Nation. This rumor has been floating around for a while, but earlier today, industry insiders confirmed this rumor. A major announcement should be made soon. As of press, no word on when Kim's new album will be dropping. The big homie Jay-Z is expected to be executive producing Kim's new album. Roc Nation is an entertainment, management, and music publishing company, founded in 2008 by Jay-Z. In 2009, Kanye West became the CEO.

^ Get the f*ck outta here, Kanye West is the CEO of Roc Nation? SMFH, nah, there is definitely some f*ckery going on b/c after Yeezy went missing for 3 months, his a** shoulda got replaced with Memphis Bleek for CEO. LOL. I'll go with the benefit of the doubt and say Kim is signed to Roc Nation, which means Jay is hands-down one of the worst businessmen when it comes to artist moves. Remember that whole 2005 Def Jam roster? Young Gunz, Beanie Sigel, Freeway, Memphis Bleek, Foxy Brown, DJ Clue.......FLOPS. I ain't even gonna mention Peedi Crakk, but anyway, who the f*ck wants to see Lil Kim in this climate? Sh*t, whether we want to admit it or not, Nicki Minaj is the top b*tch in rap now and Kim is just gonna look like her old a** aunt. Sorry Kim, but thinking about your head game in 2010 is the equivalent of wanting to f*ck Kat Stacks, some sh*t is just not plastic-proof.

Jay-Z, Lil Kim, & DiddyJay-Z & Lil Kim

Although she's seen better days, Lil Kim is ready to make a musical comeback! The rapper officially signed a record deal with Roc Nation. Jay-Z is even expected to produce her next album. Inneresting.

^ Now if this is true, then Jay is going to have to give Kim the Peedi treatment and never put that sh*t out. Even though all those "The Carter Administration" stamps were dope as f*ck on them Young Gunz/Bleek albums, those sh*ts sold the negative of KFC's Double Downs, so Jay executive producing anything is a BAD MOVE. SMFH. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe some of the older generations want them a 35-year-old Kim with bad make-up but if y'all ask me, doggies, I am sensing some bullsh*t in this story, maybe she got management from Roc Nation, b/c Jay ain't trying to sink his new label this fast, otherwise Foxy Brown woulda got the call before Kim. And if y'all think I'm bullsh*tting and don't know what I'm talking about, take a listen to Kim's new material these days:

^ LMFAO!!! "Myspace page?" "Cyber sex?" F*ck outta here Kim, we stopped f*cking with T-Pain after Jay deaded his career. LOL.

3. The Real Rick Ross

LMFAO!!! Me and one of my doggies were bullsh*tting about this the other day. How the f*ck is "Freeway Ricky Ross" gonna run this boring a** attempt of trying to sue Rick Ross for "using" his name, oh, my fault, and Def Jam too for allowing this sh*t to take place? LMFAO!!! If y'all haven't realized at this point, Officer, Fat Albert, whatever the f*ck you want to call Ross, yeah, that fat a** doggy ain't going nowhere. He has too many doggies f*cking with him, but the two most important ones are Diddy and Jay-Z along with Kanye West, Drake, Nicki Minaj, Lil Wayne, Nas, T.I., Young Jeezy, Ludacris, etc.......so stop with that bullsh*t about him not being hot or not having a dope a** buzz. We can all agree that his Triple C's flunkies ain't never gonna pop, but the Ross brand is hot and probably hotter than ever. So back to "Freeway," he wants to sue Rossy for what???

Freeway Ricky RossRick Ross

In a press release issued to us on Monday (May 24), Ross' camp accused rapper Rick Ross, Def Jam and Universal of profiting "off of his name unlawfully while he was in jail, without his consent." "It's no secret that the boss at FreewayEnterprise.comis unhappy with how his name has been exploited and misused since he went to prison in 1995, and in 2006, the above-named parties signed [William L. Roberts II] (Rick Ross' government name) to a big record deal and then spent, and made, millions off Ross' name," Freeway Ricky's camp says in a press release.

SMFH.....really doggy? This bum a** "Freeway Ricky Ross" that got out of jail LAST YEAR is now upset? Funny because until all this sh*t popped off, I had no idea that Slim Da Mobster was related to him, that that's his f*cking uncle!?

Slim Da MobsterRick Ross

"So for me, it just be funny when I hear a n*gga use somebody that I actually know's name and it comes to [known] for one, [Rick Ross] was a cop or a C.O., police, worker, whatever. Now you're confusing people with this picture you painted. That's like you painting a picture and me takin' credit for it. That's like your picture with my signature at the bottom of it. That ain't cool. When you've sat in prison for over 20 years for this sh*t, I don't want anybody using my name unless you're along those lines or you're of that caliber."

^ Sorry Slim, but please shut the f*ck up. We're talking about RAP. LOL. Painting a picture and taking credit for it? No, actually your uncle's street name is Freeway Ricky Ross. Also, rap is notorious for using famous rap names and oh yeah, you know your boss, 5-0 Cent, his doggy a** actually stole that name from a drug dealer, same with Biggie using "Frank White" as a nickname and oh yeah, Noreaga, Bumpy J, etc...so please save that sh*t for the choir before we really have to make you swallow your own words. But even besides Slim, the "defense" Ross uses on his lawsuit is Def Comedy Jam-f*cking funny.

"I just want my name back," Rick told XXL. "I don't want to have to be 'the real Rick Ross.' When I go places I have to explain to people that I am the real one because Def Jam has put him on TV and now people recognize him. It causes a conflict." Although he hasn't made up his mind about whether he wants complete rights over the use of the name or just damages, he maintains that the suit is not personal. "It ain't even really against William Roberts you know what I'm saying?" Ross added. "It's really against Def Jam because they making all this money off of my name and you know those guys didn't even reach out and said hello to me since I been home."

^ Is this f*cking doggy stretching or WHAT!? "....when I go places I have to explain to people that I am the real one....," motherf*cker, your a** is old as sh*t, of course no one is gonna confuse you with a RAPPER in his 30's. LOL. I know this is all political, but shut the f*ck up! And now, turns out he's really mad b/c Def Jam didn't say, "Whut up?" when he got released from jail? SMFH. F*ck FREEWAY RICKY ROSS and his bullsh*t a** lawsuit. I'm not sticking up for Ross, but I'm saying handle sh*t on a G-level instead of taking this lame a** lane and getting people talking about this on some Judge Judy bullsh*t. Funny how RIGHT after DJ Vlad got his $300,000, Freeway Ricky Ross wants to suddenly put in a lawsuit. It's also funny that he's not getting confused with Freeway, yeah, the doggy from Philly. Y'all sensing this f*ckery or is it just me? Broke a** ex-drug dealer.

4. One Was Nahhh, The Other Was Illmatic

Motherf*cking Nas. Y'all remember last year when I said Nas was bogus as f*ck? A lot of y'all got type-a** angry at me and vouched to never read another Pulse Report again. Well, for the rest of y'all doggies, my word still stands true as Nas showed that whether he's talking about nothing Untitled or something Africa, no one gives a f*ck anymore.

Nas & Damian Marley (Distant Relatives)Nas & Damian Marley

Hip-Hop duo Nas and Damian Marley's Distant Relatives leads the way this week at No. 5 as Glee: The Music tops the chart with 135,800 sold albums. According to Nielsen SoundScan, the duo's new collaboration album has sold 57,500 records after a week in stores.

^ LMFAO!! 57,000 copies? LMFAO!!! You would think, if the math is correct, that you would put Nas' 100K fans and Damian Marley's 50K fans together and they could scoop out what, at least 110-120K? F*ck, Erykah Badu even did over a 100K her first week, WTF Nas? Yeah doggies, I called it correct, no need to Thank Me Now, I know y'all knew what I was talking about last year. Nas no longer has relevant content. Nah, let me change that sh*t, he doesn't have content enough for us to want to actually go out and buy his sh*t. Let's think about it for a minute. His last two albums were built ONLY off controversy. Hip-Hop Is Dead? N*gger/Untitled? Get the f*ck outta here, that's why bogus a** attempts in rap never work out in the long-run, b/c you end up f*cking your own self. Remember how 5-0 dissed Ja Rule for the singing sh*t and then he drops Curtis and is on some Gerald Levert sh*t? SMFH. Money talks and bullsh*t walks and sorry Nas, you can say all you want about not caring about how many units y'all sold, but the fact is only your hardcore fans went and copped it. We know Kelis put a hole in your back, but to just fall the f*ck off like this? D*mn, over a year of hype and it comes down to numbers that would even make Fat Joe's first-week sales look comparable to yours. D*mn, even f*cking Raekwon (70K), Busta Rhymes (59K) and Method Man & Redman (59K) did better than that sh*t with their albums last year. WTF?

5. "STFU" Honors

I gotta admit doggies, maybe RAPPERS are starting to get more hip to the game b/c I actually had to search long and far for some dumb sh*t to be said courtesy of Common and his bald-headed memories of old-school rap, Sha Money XL thinking b*tches have to have fake a**es to sell a record (sex tapes work too), Lil Chuckee mad b/c Kat Stacks has a bigger buzz than his height, Fat Joe NOT changing the streets and Rick Ross, no, the fake Rick Ross, high off some "history" cheebah. LOL. Yeah doggies, it's time for "Shut The F*ck Up" Honors!!!

1. Common

CommonAfrika Bambaataa

" I listen to old Bran Nubian or Tribe Called Quest or John Coltrane. It's different for the youth today. My daughter is 12 and I don't know if Nicki Minaj is going to have the same impact on her life as KRS had on mine."

2. Sha Money XL

Sha Money XLNicki Minaj

"Nicki Minaj has set the bar so high that whoever the new female rappers is, and I've heard one or two females so far and they're horrible and I'm real hard on female rappers, seriously. I ain't with the bullsh*t, don't come too hard, you gotta be sexy and look like Nicki Minaj and sh*t. She got it."

3. Lil Chuckee

Lil ChuckeeKat Stacks

""I don't like the way she's doing it because that's my big brothers and if you want to get fame off Young Money, do it the right way because you're really doing it the wrong way," Chuckee said about Stacks. "And you think you're putting yourself out there as famous but you're really putting yourself out there as you know what. She's not getting nowhere with it. She's gonna stay right there."

4. Fat Joe

Fat JoeTrey Songz

"You hear that soulful sh*t in the background? It's the new single this Monday, man, city ain't never gonna be the same, streets ain't gonna be the same man. Funk Flex is gonna be dropping that sh*t this Monday. Joe Crack, TreySongz, if it ain't about money then it ain't about sh*t."

5. Rick Ross

Rick RossBusta Rhymes

"When I hear a dope Busta Rhymes record, I feel like that's a part of history, and I want to be a part of that. I want to be a part of that music. I want to put a verse on that. I don't look at it as every record I jump on or every record I do for someone as necessarily more shine. It's not necessarily the case. It's always being a part of that moment in time."

***I'll keep this sh*t short and simple. ENJOY YOUR F*CKING MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND, DOGGIES! --BB***

[Editor's Note: The views expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect those of SOHH]

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