Pulse Report: Ludacris Saves The Rap Game, Alfamega Snitches On T.I., DMX Misses His Pink Stripes

Friday, Mar 12, 2010 11:40AM

Written by Bulldog Butterworth

In this week's Pulse Report, doggies, we got this motherf*cker rolling as we look back at the past seven days as Ludacris saves the rap game, Alfamega returns to his snitching on T.I. roots, DMX turns pink, and hip-hop waves good-bye to Lil Wayne.  Also, make way for some "Shut The F*ck Up" first-timers.  We're SOHH big right now!

[Editor's Note: The views of this column do not necessarily reflect those of SOHH.com]

1. Hip Hop Saved My Life

D*mn doggies, if y'all are fans of this so-called rap game, then pay f*cking homage to the biggest selling RAP artist of 2010 to debut at the top of the charts, Ludacris. Ya doggies, I know Weezy kinda did his thing with Rebirth but for Luda to run and f*cking gun his way to that "Number One Spot" with a semi-a** Battle of the Sexes album that got its promotion completely f*cked up without Shawnna out to promote it? Ya doggies, Luda is THAT dude right now.

Riding high on hit collaborations with Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber and labelmate Taio Cruz (the #1 download, "Break Your Heart"), the DTP/Def Jam/IDJ hip-hop superstar-turned-actor will debut at #1 next Tuesday, with approximately 120k in sales for his latest, Battle of the Sexes. The album boasts current hit singles "How Low" and "My Chick Bad," the latter featuring Minaj. His seventh studio album also includes cameos from Shawnna, Lil Scrappy, Trey Songz, Lil' Kim, Gucci Mane, Monica and Ne-Yo, among others.

^ Say what y'all want, but Mr. Southern Hospitality got his a** a winner with that, especially since Kanye West kinda left his a** in the dust back in 2008. LMFAO. But even though I think the album is "AIGHT......" at best, this is a dope a** look for hip-hop. Maybe I'm bugging the f*ck out, but wasn't it Jay-Z who last earned the top spot and that was JAY-Z. Sure Weezy's sh*t may have done more than Luda, but it's Weezy, Young Money alone can't be categorized. But you add in Ludacris and a record that only got picked up and released off the "How Low" single? F*cking insane. But Luda doesn't just get a posting on the BEST BIASED/OPINIONATED PORTION OF SOHH Pulse Report for that, the doggy even helped get hip-hop a pass. By who? Bill O'Reilly.

"The first thing I said to him was, 'I want to meet the guy who has had so much to say about me, but knows absolutely nothing about me'," Ludacris said in an interview. "I identified that I wanted to speak to him when I saw his name on the guest list. I looked at what table he was on, and I walked my a** straight to that table. He wasn't expecting to see me, at all. The look on his face when he saw me approaching... priceless. From there, we came to a common ground. To be honest with you, we came together and did an event for charity - as crazy as it sounds. Perhaps everything happens for a reason. I prayed since the very first moment that Bill said something about me on television that I would be able to meet him in person. It took about seven years for that to happen, but it finally happened. And the joy that came over me, well, it was outstanding."

LMFAO. I can't front, that sh*t is dope b/c I stopped f*cking with Pepsi myself after they blackballed my homie like that. SMFH. Anyway, the fact that Bill and Chris put their sh*t in the past, at the very least, could mean the old geezer is gonna cool the f*ck off and not try to down rappers as much as he's been known to do in the past. So with the likely top-selling album and one of the BIGGEST rap beef peace truces I've ever come across having taken place, I gotta say thank-you Luda, but F*CK YOU O'REILLY, courtesy of the rest of us.........

Young JeezyBill O'Reilly

Snoop DoggBill-OReilley-2010-03-11-300x300.jpg

2. Uh Huh

LMFAO & SMFH!!! Is Alfa-MegaMan really trying to go at T.I. on this wack a** DISS song, "Green Light?" LMFAO!!!! Oh sh*t, this has to be some of the funniest material I've come across on @sohhdotcom since that rumor fact turned up that Alf was talking more than Verizon Wireless operators on a Friday morning to the government. SMFH. Look, before I completely ban this doggy from Pulse Report, shout-out to Benzino & Bow Wow, let me give y'all a minute to try to hear this wack a** diss.


On his new track "Greenlight", Alfa Mega throws down the gauntlet. He raps, "A lil something to let the "Queen" know the muscle ain't shook/ If you try to respond, you gone get your crown took." He continues, "Ni%%A you ain't hard, your persona is so fraud/ And the day you crossed me proved you ain't that smart...Ain't but 3 real ni%%as still left in Pimp Squad...that's Mac, Dro and Doug because ni##a you a broad...Tip you know what it is and you know what I do, I'm the muscle lil ni%%a, the one who protected you... Shawty Lo almost took yo a** out the game."

LMFAO!!!! Oh sh*t, "your persona is so fraud." STOP. Is Alf kidding us, really? T.I. could be a f*cking weekend performer for the chief of Atlanta police and do some Crime Stoppers commercial and yet he still won't lose as much credibility as Alf has done to himself with his a** begging and pleading for us to not think he was snitching. What's worse than being a snitch? A lying snitch. I hate going past seven days, but this is necessary, courtesy of the real "gangster" Alf told the whole story about to the government, Ali Baaqar.

"I got in trouble, the Feds had a little conspiracy going on -- I was in a big conspiracy case with the Nicky Club Gentleman's Club around '96, '95," Ali explained in an interview. "I had one trial, got acquitted on the first trial. Then the Feds tried me again on the same charge...I go back to court and this guy named, I don't even know his name, I know him by Cedric Zellars. During the trial, he comes up and says I sold dope to him during '95, never seen the guy before -- I feel everybody should know who's a snitch and who's not a snitch. When you walk around Atlanta with your chest poked out, I think you need to think twice of who you walking with, who you may be walking with may be the Feds...He got on the stand and literally just lied and said he bought dope from me. I don't know him -- they really wanted me to tell on somebody else, but I don't play that game. So that's how I got in the situation..."

SMFH......uh-huh, Alf, sure, we really believe you never spoke, snitched, told, ratted or lied on anybody, huh?


3. The Pink Panther

LMFAO. There's so much DMX sh*t popping off right now that by the time y'all read this, it's gonna be some extra ordinary sh*t that went down and will make this look outdated as f*ck, so with that realization out the way, let's break down what we know by using quotes and images. Now, DMX was arrested this week, right?.


DMX was arrested earlier today in Arizona -- and now his lawyer is reaching out to the one man who he believes can save him ... Dr. Drew Pinsky. The details of the arrest are unclear -- but the rapper's lawyer Gary Jenkins tells us "He's been battling addiction for some time and he's in need of treatment." Jenkins also tells us, "We're hoping that maybe Dr. Drew might be able to help him."

Then he bugs the f*ck out during a court hearing, right?


DMX appeared in court for the gazillionth time yesterday -- and went absolutely ballistic after the judge left the courtroom. Visibly and audibly ticked that a photog was allowed in court, a fidgety DMX waited for his hearing to begin -- and after it was over, he went off. Looking right at the camera, DMX starting raving "I'm the only one got arrested today ... f**king c**ksuckers do it every time man ... I get my rights violated but I gotta be quiet about it ... f**king b*tch man."

But WAIT!? Dame Grease (shout out to Max B while I'm at it) says we all got sh*t twisted.

Dame GreaseDMX

"They got him on some super duper strict probation. You gotta report almost every day, so I think he missed like three or something," said Dame. "Of course, the main thing is getting him healthy. But he's been clean. He knows he can't use drugs 'cause he'll go to f*ckin' jail. I don't know what the exact terms [of the violation] are, but as far as any dirty urine, I'm not aware of that and I know he's been clean."

Now that bad a** Joe Arpaio sheriff wants X to go back to wearing pink until his hearing next Tuesday, March 16th.


"He admitted to using cocaine, so he's back in our jail," said Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. "I think it's about time to give him hard time." The get-tough sheriff said if the rapper is serious about kicking his drug habit, the Arizona jail system -- where X has already logged time on animal cruelty and drug possession charges -- could help him get clean. "We do have a great drug prevention program in the jail, so if he stays in our jail system I will consider (letting) him go through our program," Arpaio said.

X is now back in his pretty as pink uniform waiting for a hearing.

DMX (Jail Pic)Legal Gavel

^ Don't take this the wrong way, y'all, but new album or not, X keeps f*cking up his legacy the more and more he goes out into the public. His movies sucked suck, no one takes this hard-body rapper serious anymore, violence ain't cool (shout outs to Kid Cudi, Wale and Drake) and this dude is d*mn near 40 years-old with the only real money he MIGHT see coming from a book his girl will maybe release? SMFH. No further questions your honor.

4. Do You Think About Me?

SMFH....this little rascal ain't even been in the penal system for a week yet and the whole f*cking rap game has shut down and explained why things done changed. You got a suspect-a** T-Wayne album being put off until next year, Weezy's baby mama talking about the sh*t, f*cking Lloyd Banks is talking about 5-0 Cent's ex-scapegoat? WTF? Minus my captions all the way the f*ck out and see how your favorite rapper is taking Wayne's LONG AND NEVER-ENDING jail sentence IN PROTECTIVE CUSTODY. SMFH......ain't this the same bullsh*t we see when a basketball player gets ejected from a game and the home team applauds the motherf*cker? SMFH....guess no one remembers Wayne was packin' heavy metal on that bus, huh? SMFH.....

Lloyd Banks

Lloyd-Banks-2009-12-24-300x300.jpgLil Wayne

"It's evident that nobody's safe. That's reality," Lloyd Banks added about rappers not being above the law, with Lil Wayne going to jail on the heels of T.I. and Gucci Mane. Banks himself has an assault case pending in Canada. "People make mistakes, have poor judgments sometimes, and things happen. Hopefully, all those artists can bounce back from it stronger and use that time [in jail] to be more creative. Come back home and get right back to where they was at. It's something that's always been around. We been talking about [rappers going to jail] since Tupac."


GameLil' Wayne

"It's f*cked up," Game said about Wayne's bid. "I don't like it all. I don't have one good feeling about it. I'm happy Tip is coming out, but sad that Wayne and Gucci gotta go in. I don't like to see that. I like for my n*ggas that co-exist with me in hip-hop to win. I don't like to see [for example] Fab go to jail just as much as he don't want to see Game to jail. That sh*t is wack."


T-PainLil Wayne

"The T-Wayne album, we're actually gonna wait until he gets out," Pain said in an interview. "He has so much going on. He has Rebirth out right now. I don't wanna interrupt that. We just gonna wait until he gets out to really get in on that. We recorded a bunch of songs. But, right now, it's time for him and his personal sh--. We definitely got an album's worth of material, but it's only an album's worth. It's nothing to pick from. We just got an album."

Look, all I'm gonna say is this. Let Weasel Weezy do his bid after this pre-planned week of "REACTION" stories @sohhdotcom @mtv @vibe @allhiphop @rapradar @hiphopdx @whoeverthef*ckelse because we all know Wayne will have his a** sent back to Louisiana sooner than we think. SMH....d*mn. Until then, all you soft a**ses get this from me, no hard d*ck and bubble gum, but something genuine. SMFH. LOL.

5. "STFU" Honors

D*mn, you know they say save the best for last and it all makes sense when you come to Pulse Report, b/c with 5-0 Cent crowning himself the "king" of sh*t to DJ Khaled thinking he might have some black in him, PAUSE, we got a whole lot of people to put on blast this week. LMFAO!

1. 5-0 Cent

50 CentEminem And 50 Cent

"I've traveled all over the place, I'm probably the largest touring hip-hop artist," 50 said in an interview. "Em and Dre, Em would be the largest hip-hop artist but he doesn't travel to see the fans after creating the material. He just puts it out, bam, and everybody loves it and he stays home."

2. Tony Yayo

Tony YayoTony Yayo & 50 Cent

"I actually want to open up my own restaurant, so I'm actually working on that...And I'm looking to get into one of those movies, shouts-out 50, put me in one of those movies man! You cut my part in [Before I] Self Destruct, it's cool."

3. Will.i.am

wiil i amKelis

"The Black Eyed Peas are big; the Black Eyed Peas are international. I think Kelis can be that big. As big as the Peas. A lot of time rappers have these labels and they don't let their artist become bigger than them. I've proven that's not me. Fergie is huge. When Fergie blew up she was bigger than me! I believe Kelis can do the same."

4. J-Kwon


"Things get taken out of hand. On top of that, there are other families that are really missing people and my heart goes out to them. I'm not trying to promote anything."

5. DJ Khaled

DJ KhaledL.A Reid And Jay-Z

"I'm like the LA Reid of hip-hop, the Berry Gordy of hip-hop," Khaled told radio personality Jenny Boom Boom. "I feel like I'm the executive right now that's in the streets and going to take it to the next level, that's the goal, you know what I'm saying? That's the next goal. At Def Jam, we're one big team, and I'm an executive at Def Jam, office in Miami, but I gotta come to New York, do big meetings.

****LMFAO!!! I f*cking love this rap sh*t and can't believe how y'all can keep a steady head with the amount of f*ckery that takes place everyday. With Ludacris holding sh*t down with a semi-sh*tty album, y'all gotta just wonder what we can expect from new albums like the T.I. and Drake sh*t, f*ck it, even Nicki Minaj is gonna have some heat. But no matter where y'all are, I see you Florida, we still got a few more weeks of cold a** weather SOHH make them Caption Disses count and bring on the pro-5-0 Cent hate, b/c until he actually lives up to that 2007 promise of retiring, he will continue to be clowned at any and every given opportunity, so stop asking! LMFAO. Love y'all doggies, PAUSE. --BB PS. I still got the @BulldogButters Twitter sh*t but f*ck that, I'd rather stay in here with y'all.*****

[Editor's Note: The views expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect those of SOHH]

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