Pulse Report: Lloyd Banks Ain't Got Surprises, Yung Berg's Rap Cred Gets Swiped, Method Man & Fabolous Snag "STFU" Honors

Friday, Feb 26, 2010 2:40PM

Written by Bulldog Butterworth

In this week's Pulse Report, we're clickin' and clackin' that a** way the f*ck back into yesterweek to give Lloyd Banks a *Blank Stare* for hyping up an obvious wack a** guest feature, plead for Yung Berg to dead his rap career, check out the latest "I'm not f*cking him/her" denials, induct Method Man and Fabolous into "STFU Honors" and oh SOHH much more!

[Editor's Note: The views of this column do not necessarily reflect those of SOHH.com]

1. We Already Know

SMFH, are we really back to this sh*t, really? Nah of course y'all doggies remember a few weeks ago when I was talking about "G-Unit" shooting to kill and all that other bullsh*t, well, doggies, I wasn't lying. Doubt that @LloydBanks can do it all by himself even though Timmy! PLK said he's the future, but f*ck it, I was feeling good about that cocky a** attitude. But now, are you f*cking kidding me, "surprise guest features?" GTFOH!!! LMFAO!!!! D*mn, I knew it was too good to be true. Turns out Blue Hefner resorted to showing his weakness and admitted to needing some type of 5-0 Cent-type publicity stunt to make people want to support the G-Unot G-Unit brand, right? SMFH. Peep these bogus a** attempts:

"Another record is on the way, man," Banks said in an interview referring to a "Beamers" follow-up. "I can't tell you who it's with yet, but it's one of the last n*ggas you would think I'd do a record with. It's retarded. I got a few things in store but I don't want to get to the names yet, probably when I get back in April, I'll give it a title."

^ Believe it or not, OK, doggy could have left it alone at that. But does Banks do that? SMFH:

"I got another record that's crazy, that's getting ready to come in," Banks told DJ Whoo Kid. "We gonna release that after, they ain't ever gonna guess who the feature is with, but it's crazy. Nah, it's definitely crazy considering the events that took place in the pastbut I think it's gonna be exciting, you know what I'm saying? And on top of that, it's a good record, you know what I'm saying? All the BS to the side, it's a very good record and I'm excited about it."

SMFH....just when I respect that semi-good "Beamer" sh*t, Banks decides to make a whole run at this "surprise" feature with everyone who puts a microphone/camera/dollar in front of his face:

"'Beamer, Benz or Bentley' is just one record. I got another smash on the way with somebody that they probably never thought I would work with," he teased.

SMFH....now, at this point y'all should have an idea of what I'm getting at with this posting, right? It's SOHH f*cking obvious the only three artists he can be talking about, so who the f*ck is he trying to shock? SMFH.....

Joe BuddenJoe Budden

JadakissJadakiss

MaseMase

Now think about all this for a minute. Joe Budden"S" was going at G-Unit back in 2004 with all that "5 Heartbeats" dissing and then you got somebody like Jadakiss who threw the sh*t sideways at G-Unit with those mixtapes and really won that sh*t between him and 5-0. Mase? Well, what the f*ck, might as well toss him in there since his a** was with G-Unit, then wasn't, then was, then....yeah, y'all know what I'm saying. So unless I'm wrong about the selection, y'all can pay homage in the COMMENTS section or wait until this obvious a** record drops. But the two dudes he SHOULD have did a record with?

2. When Death Becomes Of You

See, the only unfortunate thing about being satisfied with getting a paycheck for writing this column is that I only get ONE PAYCHECK for ONE COLUMN for ONE DAY. SMFH, I love @sohhdotcom but C'MON?! This Yung Berg sh*t should have been analyzed by Mr. Butterworth way before all you late a** bloggers but your two cents in. But f*ck it, let's dig right into this sh*t, PAUSE, for a quick minute. Now @sohhdotcom did a pretty good job at pointing out how f*cked up the career of Berg is at this point, but just for visual effects, let's point out why this doggy gets no f*cking respect:

Yung BergYung Berg Chain

Soulja BoyYung Berg Stolen Chain

Oh, and I think this guy had a little run-in with Berg a couple years ago, right?

MainoMaino

Now visuals to the side, turns out this doggy has accused TMZ of being some stone cold hustlers and wanted to taint his name!? LMFAO. Peep this sh*t real quick doggies:

Berg -- the guy who rapped on the song "Sexy Can I" -- was violently beaten and robbed at a house in Los Angeles ... TMZ has learned. According to law enforcement sources, Berg -- real name Christian Ward -- was at a house party at around 2:00 AM Monday morning when four suspects entered the home and brandished firearms. We're told the suspects pistol-whipped two people inside the party -- one of whom was Berg. Law enforcement sources say the suspects robbed eight people and made off with $10,000 in cash and jewelry.

^ LOL. No disrespect, but that site honestly doesn't give a f*ck about Berg or at least doesn't give a f*ck enough to say they wanted to use him as a scapegoat for a robbery story, SMFH. Does he even realize they post new stories up every 20 minutes? But of course, Bergie thinks otherwise and is already plotting that Conspiracy Theory sh*t:

"It's just not the right publicity, I wish y'all was talking about the album or talking about the motherf*cking mixtape or something like that," Berg said in a self-recorded video. "What you got to know is I am fine, you see me? Jesus hands, I'm good. I'm straight, it's nothing wrong with nobody. I'm still gorgeous, I love you mom, thank you for these good genes."

^ Wait, did doggy actually "not" deny the sh*t and kinda admit to that a** whooping? Ohhhhh, 24 hours LATER and he's calling it a "lie," huh?

"No, I been in Las Vegas," Berg, born Christian Ward, said flatly. "It's crazy to me how one lie from one person when you in the limelight and got this type of shine, one lie could do these type of things. I wasn't going to speak about it because it was lie -- the unfortunate thing is I got a family [that worries]. So my mom start calling me, my dad start calling me, 'Are you hurt? Something wrong with you?' There's nothing wrong with me -- I'm pretty as a newborn baby."

^ Wait, wait. LMFAO. So it's a "lie" he didn't get that a** whooped as BAD as reported or that he didn't get robbed for $10,000 but just $5,000 or just.....? "STFU." His a** is lucky I decided to do a posting on here b/c he would have owned the "STFU Honors" posting this week. Look, saving y'all the trouble of me blabbing about why this doggy should take his rap alias to the pound, I'll let @ElliotWilson break the sh*t down:

"Robbed or not, you shall forever remain the laughing stock of rap. Charles Hamilton feels sorry for you and your mother. You should get your light-skinned a** in an acting class or something. There's got to be something else you can do with yourself. Switch the style up cause you got ZERO chance of ever gainin' an ounce of credibility in the hip-hop game. I'd put my money on a Chingy comeback before you. Tuck in your chain and live in shame.

D*mn! And y'all thought Pulse Report was the only blog spitting that hard sh*t on your favorite rappers, huh? SMFH. No further comment on that sh*t until we see the Transformer chain back in your possession, doggy.

3. I Need Another B*tch

LMFAO!!! I swear to f*cking God this had to be one of the weirdest romance x f*cking x denial weeks I've ever seen. We got the best porn b*tch chick star in the industry saying she DID not f*ck and get pregnant by your favorite rapper(s), Cassidy saying he never laid the pipe down on Amber Rose, Trina not throwing the a** at Soulja Boy and even Remy Ma saying Nicki Minaj wasn't eatin' that box? (Bullsh*t on 2/4 of those denials, I got proof! LMFAO, just f*cking w/ y'all):

Jazmine Cashmere & Jay-Z

Jazmine CashmereJay-Z & Beyonce

There have been a few things cleared up with recent tweets, we know that Jazmine is 6 and a half months pregnant, the tweet which confirmed this read "Yes I am pregnant, 6 and half months in fact.. And I am pregnant by WHO GIVES A F**K!! lol But the baby is great and very healthy thank you.".Another tweet confirmed that Jay-Z is not the father, nor is any other rapper from New York, this tweet read "NO I AM NOT PREGNANT BY JAY Z OR ANY OTHER RAPPER FROM NEW YORK.."

Amber Rose & Cassidy

CassidyKanye West & Amber Rose

"Nah, that's my homie, you know what I'm saying," Cassidy explained in an interview referring to Amber Rose. "She's from Philly, we knew each other back in the day, actually, when I seen her she was bringing up things in the past that I forgot about because she probably looked a little bit different and things like that."

Trina & Soulja Boy Tell Em

Soulja BoyDiddy & Trina

"We were just skiing. We were supposed to do the whole sky diving thing or whatever, and I was just looking up at that balloon like 'I don't think I'm getting up there,' but it was really cool. I got a chance to perform, it rained, we just had a good time...No we weren't grinding, Angie. [laughs]"

Remy Ma & Nicki Minaj

Remy-Ma-2010-02-23-300x300.jpgNicki Minaj & Lil Wayne

"I'm not gay, how would I have sex with Nicki Minaj," Remy asked radio personality Jenny Boom Boom via a phone interview. "No, I never had sex with Nicki anybody. I've never done any girls in my life and I never would. But actually, that video came out years ago. I was home, actually, when it first surfaced. And um, I don't know who that is."

^ LMFAO. Well, in the meantime, since it looks like all these women are available, let's see what's out on the market and up for grabs.

4. Superman Is Back

The return of New York rap is back.......according to Joe Budden? LMFAO. No disrespect, but either this doggy is trying to sabotage the Empire State with a bogus a** string of ideas so he can make Jersey mean more than just him and Redman or else this pup dog might really have a good plan on his hands. Let's just see what it is that this Budden"S" has in mind:

"i really liked Loon btw.... he needs to come back," Joey wrote early Tuesday (February 23) morning. "& call me crazy, but Juelz [Santana], Jimmy [Jones] & Cam can bring New York back... I really believe that. The lox back on a major could bring NY back too.... A Rae & Ghost album... More $ behind Kiss... i'm tellin y'all, i know how 2 fix this sh*t !"

^ REALLY? Well sh*t, just this past week there were some clear signs of New York coming together!

"This is hustling music. I just remember the days when n*ggas used to love to hustle. What we did as Diplomats, as a whole, me, Cam, Juelz, Freekey, we're one of the last of the Mohicans for Harlem, upholding that thing," Jim Jones said in an interview. "We bring a lot to the table as far as the fame and the history as of recent and in the last decade."
"A lot of the backlash was due to the success of G-Unit," Lloyd Banks concluded. "People forgot about the talent we possess and just start thinking about all the business moves..."
"I have come here to stand by Shyne and to officially kick off our partnership with Island Def Jam Music Group and Gangland Records and so it is really an honour to be here, really very special place. I am here because great people are worthy of travelling many many miles for it and I come here to say that your country is great and I hope you guys know that this is a great man from your country," L.A. Reid said.

It's looking great for NY, huh? NO! First off, get the f*ck outta here, Budden"S" for even believing you could help bring back NY rap. That sh*t died out after 5-0 Cent realized rap beef was wack as sh*t and completely destroyed his brand. Look, I'll be the first to tell y'all I f*cking love Lox, Joell Ortiz and good pure rap but no This Is 50 Fest or Juelz Santana B-Day Bash, etc. is going to make a global fanbase want to f*ck around with what NYC has to offer. Sh*t, Young Money is running the rap game right now and if y'all don't believe that then next in line is Grand Hustle or maybe even Texas. Nicki Minaj will do her thing for the female rappers but it won't be on a scale to "bring" NYC back, it's a wrap. Bottom line? No one is going to pay $$$ for a Lox album, G-Unit album, Dipset reunion album, Diddy album, etc... Jay-Z? Of course. Raekwon, Method Man and Ghostface? 50/50. Any other acts out of NYC? SMFH.....it's a wRAP.

5. "STFU Honors"

Yes, we've once again come to the best part of the Pulse Report, "Shut The F*ck Up Honors." This, as it is every f*cking week, is the one opportunity to take out the best quotes from your favorite artists who would have been better off either avoiding the statement or saying "Just Kidding," afterward. From Nicki Minaj trying to act like her fake a** and t*ts weren't part of her marketing strategy to DJ Khaled just sounding d*mn near dumb and Raekwon finding the next "Bow Wow.," SMFH...sh*t, please send a Tweet to these doggies.

Nicki Minaj

Nicki MinajNicki Minaj Nasty

"I don't know where I fit in the spercturum of rap yet, I think now I'm kind of proving myself, but before, people thought I was more of a sex symbol or wannabe sex symbol. Now they're seeing. That's why I make the goofiest faces, I don't want people to think I'm up here trying to be cute. I'm trying to entertain, and entertaining is more than exuding sex appeal. I don't think that's fun. I don't find it fun watching someone trying to be sexy."

DJ Khaled

DJ KhaledAce Hood

"I mean, Ace Hood is still 21 years old," Khaled pointed out in an interview. "The h*es, I mean women, they love him, and he has potential to be a superstar. It's going to take hard work and I have his back 100 percent."

Fabolous

fabolous-mixtape-300x300.jpgFabolous

"The mixtape is coming at the end of this week," Fab told radio host Angie Martinez. "It was supposed to have came and I gave a date but people have been killing me but I really wanted to make sure I put good material on it and now people started coming...This could possibly have been an album."

Method Man

Method-Man-2010-02-25-300x300.jpgMethod Man

"I just want my classic," he said in an interview. "People always say, 'You already got a classic first LP,' but not to me. I want my classic LP, the five-mic-er for myself. Not based on The Source's five mics but a five-mic-er to myself. I don't feel like I have to prove myself to anybody. But I feel like I have to prove myself to myself."

Raekwon

RaekwonBow Wow

"I got a young cat coming out of North Carolina, he's 11 years old. His name is Little Justice. I think he's going to be the next Lil Romeo or the next Bow Wow."

***LMFAO!!! All bullsh*t aside, apologies to Y'ALL (f*ck everybody else) for getting us sh*tted on in Caption Diss this week. As I said though, keep cappin' the f*ck outta that shirtless Cudi because we're staying with the same photo, just can't prop it up there. Politics as f*cking usual. On a brighter note though, y'all have been staying loyal and f*cking with Pulse Report, even to the point that I have been falling back and just reading some of those wack a** comments disses bullsh*t a** examples remarks in awe b/c of what's being said. So f*ck it, with or without my a** putting sh*t into perspective, seems like y'all are at least getting a Pulse through your hands and inking that sh*t up. Hopefully by this time next week Budden"S" or the other two will have dropped their subpar collaboration record SOHH we can close the book on G-Unit for good. I'm out, f*ck with y'all in COMMENTS or on that Twitter sh*t, @BulldogButters -BB***

[Editor's Note: The views expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect those of SOHH]

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